Cancel all plans

There is only one word for the 2012 ABC line-up and it is this- epic.

You should probably just cancel any plans you had for next year now. It’ll save you a lot of those awkward moments when you have to wiggle out of a social outing in order to stay inside and watch TV. People just don’t understand.

Here, because I know you need my help to make up your minds, are my thoughts on the show reel.

The Straits- I have no idea what this is about, except a geographical grounding. I remain unconvinced.
Rake- was good. More Rake equals more good.
Mabo- I did Year 10 history. I understand why this is exciting. Plus it looks kind of great.
Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries- Where did all these super high production values come from? Have the ABC started laundering money or something?
Hurrah documentaries!
First of all, art based reality TV (that rarest of rare breeds) is awesome.
Secondly- William McInnes! Why are you hosting that auction show?!
Nice to see the ABC ensuring Myf’s continued employment.

I could write a whole post about the comedy line-up alone. You never know, I still might.
Outland- A show about a gay science fiction club? I am optimistic.
Woodley- There are very few ways in which this could be bad. Frank Woodley. Dressed as a giant egg. This will not be bad.
Laid- Laid was one of my TV highlights of this year. Which is saying something in a year so full of good TV. I’ve been tracking series 2 in a way I can’t remember following a local show before. I’m pretty pumped. In case you hadn’t noticed.

Kitchen Cabinet- You can’t deny it has a rather large novelty factor.
Dirk Gently- There will be rants about this. You can bet your first born on it. It’s been out for about a year now. I haven’t tracked it down due to rather serious misgivings. I’m a huge Adams fan (*coughcoughUNDERSTATMENTcough*) and the reviews weren’t exactly glowing. There is no Monk. The door is not red. I reserve judgement.
ABC2 shows some rather odd things don’t they? Is that a show about dwarfs? Really?

Now I understand that this is the point where us adults should stop watching. But-
Dance Academy! Judge me at your leisure. I shall be rushing home from university to watch this.
Although I probably can’t say the same for the show about Irish dancing.

And ABC4Kids will keep showing kids shows and ABC24 will keep showing news.

Excellent! Brovo! Standing ovation! Etc!

And while we’re here, something that won’t be on the ABC…
Everyone seems to be keeping Sherlock under pretty tight wraps. The preview screening of A Scandal in Belgravia is happening like RIGHT NOW so I can only assume that its pretty much done. The BBC has tentatively suggested a January airdate but we still have no proper preview and a few measly promo picks. Put simply- someone is doing a damn good job. If television was measured in fan-base per second of footage, Sherlock would be up there with the great cult heroes. Riling that fan-base to a fever pitch of hysterical excitement can only be good for ratings. Less is most certainly more.

I can only speculate about when we’ll get in Australia (not that most of you pirate fiends care). Nine is currently repeating the first series (always a good sign) and Sherlock features prominently in their “COMING IN 2012!!!!” (much less subtly than our ABC) trailer. Whether they’ll fork out to fast track it or wait until ratings season starts up again is anyone’s guess.

Put simply- 2012 is going to be a good year to stay indoors.

Come here often?

In which Alex continues to document her growing obsession with pick-up lines from works of fiction. 

Surprise scones.

In a place like this you move to the atmosphere.
Press Gang
Press Gang, as astute readers may have noticed, is so completely littered with wonderful pick-up lines that its basically a ‘how to guide’. It also furnishes fans with a series of slightly ridiculous romantic fantasies. Like the one about playing trivial pursuit. And an irrational desire to slow dancing without music.

Because life is short and you are hot.
Doctor Who- Blink
Seriously, how is it that Steven Moffat does not get all the girls? Unlike many of the other example in these posts, this is a proper pick-up line of the I-went-to-this-pub-and-all-I-got-was-this-random-chick kind. Bonus points if, immediately after delivering it, you get transported into the past by homicidal statues.

Are you a friend of Nigel’s?
48 Shades of Brown
It is a little known fact that if you want to learn more about how my mind works you need only read the collected works of Australian author Nick Earls. This may seem like something of a nothing pick-up line. If, however, you coupled it with spontaneously handing over a Chuppa-Chup, you might just get the opportunity to vomit in my hair (just go read the book ok? Its excellent).

Can I pursue you now?
John Green
This is breaking the rules slightly because it is not, technically speaking, fictional. John Green actually used it to woe the Yeti. If the previous sentence made little or no sense to you I suggest you cancel any plans you had for the rest of the day and click here. John Green should also get all the girls.

Surprise cake.
All the rom-coms.
This isn’t so much a pick-up line as a pick-up action. You know in romantic comedies when one of the romantic leads makes the other romantic lead a romantic cake and then leaves it on their doorstep and runs away? Yeah. Why don’t people do that in real life? I could totally go for that. Its got the words “surprise” and “cake” in it. What’s not to like?

She wants to go out with you for texting and scones.
Doctor Who- The Wedding of River Song
Considering my favourite pick-up line of all time is both difficult to remember and obscure, I would happily settle for this one. This sounds like pretty much my ideal relationship. Anyone who likes texting, scones and Doctor Who has passed most of the main hurdles to my affections already.

Haters gonna hate

Last week I met a guy.

“Meet” is probably the wrong word. I was walking to class and happened upon a friend talking to a group of people I didn’t know. Said friend greeted me by pointing at the guy in question and yelling “Alex! He does not like Moffat!”

This guy then proceeded to inform me (a girl he hadn’t even been introduced to) his opinions on Steven Moffat. He believes, and I quote, that Steven Moffat is “sexist, racist and homophobic.”
I’ll give that a moment to sink in.

I’m no stranger to anti-Moffat opinions. If you spend any length of time looking at a particular subject online, you’re going to come across people who don’t like it. This goes doubly for someone who people feel they need to have strong feelings about. I will openly admit that, on reading things that people tweet at Steven Moffat or post about him on Tumblr, I occasionally have the desire to track down the offenders IRL and set their letter boxes on fire.

I was, it should be said, very restrained when I encountered this guy. I tried to present my counter arguments in a sane manner for a little while, realised this was fruitless and proceeded to excuse myself and walk away very quickly before I succumbed to the urge to ask him where he lived and whether or not he was in possession of a letter box. Sexist, racist AND homophobic? This guy was clearly was not in a right state of mind.

Now I can understand how some people misconstrue certain things and thus come to the conclusion that Moffat is sexist. Taken out of context some stuff he’s said in interviews could create that impression. He very clearly ISN’T sexist (Lynda Day is one of the most empowered and inspiring female characters ever to grace our screens) but I can forgive that misconception. However, saying that the various pro-gay references in series 6 (which serve to NORMALISE homosexuality in a way which should be applauded) are condescending anti-gay slurs (that’s right, he actually thought that) is stretching the point a bit. I can’t even begin to comprehend how he arrived at racist.

But I digress. I could spend any number of posts outlining the main flaws in this fundamentally flawed argument. I would, however, be preaching to the converted. Because a blind person could see that he’s wrong. That is not the point. The point is that Steven Moffat is not just some kind of vague conceptual entity who produces scripts without emotion. He’s a PERSON. A human being. A real one. And no one should be allowed to make those kind of comments about anyone. (Except maybe Tony Abbot. ZING! Political satire.)

Haters ignore this fundamental fact. They forget that directing their unbridled (and usually ignorant) rage at someone is not a socially acceptable thing to do. There is no situation where ripping someone to shreds like that is ok. I don’t care what some parts of The Internet think- its just not.
Which brings me to another point- The Internet.

Now one guys expressing his opinion to me is very different to that same guy writing his thoughts down on a blog and tweeting it at Steven Moffat himself. That is really, really not cool. You know that Flight of the Concords song? No? Hang on, I’ll find a YouTube link…there. That’s what I’m getting at here.

While I happily subscribe to the fangirl end of the spectrum, I’m not a hater. I can’t think of anyone I have the desire to out-poor my deep seated loathing for. Except maybe Mary Shelley but she’s dead. And she wrote that really rubbish book about mountains. I suppose maybe I’m a hater of Steven Moffat haters. Does that count?

Here’s the thing- I’ve been in a television studio for seven hours while a team of people slave over an hour long show only to have some idiot rip it apart on Twitter. I’ve seen the love and devotion which is invested in something even though its subsequently panned (this could easily have been a post in defence of Good News World). I don’t think people should be allowed to hate on anything without knowing the sweat, tears and sleepless nights which went into creating it.

So in conclusion- Steven Moffat…well he’s just this guy, you know?

Never too much of a good thing

In which we try to watch a lot of Doctor Who in a row.

CAST
Alex- who’s house it was and blog this is.
Celeste- who has an alarming but useful skill for unlocking Alex’s windows
Shona- Celeste’s friend. Non-Whovian. Down for the weekend being exposed to our wild social life.
Rachel- very ill.
Emma- slightly less ill.
Liv- not ill at all.

FRIDAY 26TH AUGUST

2:55pm- Go to shops and buy a pumpkin, two packets of jammie dodgers and the new Frankie. Am total hipster.
3:09pm- My front door bites my sonic screwdriver off my keys. No idea how to get it back on. The hell door?
3:54pm- Starting to think I shouldn’t cut up this pumpkin until there’s someone in the vicinity qualified in first aid.
4:01pm- Have minor celebration after cutting pumpkin in half without causing myself serious injury.
4:23pm- Others arrive. Proceed to sit around kitchen while I make pie.
5:38pm- Celeste is trying to reattach my screwdriver my soldering it. She is soldering it with a match.
5:52pm- Against all odds and using my kitchen scissors, Celeste re-attaches screwdriver.
7:28pm- TARDIS pie made, lounge folded out. Now to try and make the HDMI cable work.
7:35pm- Guess what? Its doesn’t work. Look at my astonishment.
7:47pm- We try to plug a USB into my DVR. It just says, and I quote, “Format noSupport.” I swear at it.
8:01pm- Now watching the episodes on Celeste’s laptop with my CD player plugged in via the AUX cable. Not ideal but I’ve got from episode four on my DVR.
8:03pm- Emma chooses this moment to inform us she just borrowed the DVDs from the library and could have bought them. Collective facepalm.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

8:12pm- The Doctor has just gone back in time.
Shona-“Is he the kid.”
Celeste- “Yes. The kid is Dumbledore.”
8:25pm- Enter super sexy Kasran.
Alex- “And you can never look at Micheal Gambon quite the same way ever again.”
8:33pm- Shona obviously getting emotional involved.
8:38pm- Shona- “That’s quite a kiss.”
9:16pm- End warm honey and magic. Begin confusion and mind bendy-ness.

THE IMPOSSIBLE ASTRONAUT 

9:24pm- Trying to work out the timelines. So this Doctor is at the same point as this River but River is beyond the other Doctor as of…oh god my head hurts.
9:25pm- He’s not 1003. He can’t be.
9:27pm- Watching The Doctor die is actually worse after seeing the rest of the series. Almost believe its real now.
Rachel-"EMOTIONS!”
9:28pm- When the Astronaut is going back into the water River says “of course not.” Why? What does that mean?
*THEORY INTERLUDE- it can’t be River in the spacesuit. Because the River in the spacesuit would have to be BEFORE the River on the beach chronologically. Which means that the River on the beach would know what’s going on and I really don’t think she does.* 
9:33pm- JIM THE FISH
9:37pm- Rachel has just got glasses to correct moderate to severe blindness
Rachel-“Have I mentioned how much better this is now that I can see his face?”
9:39pm- The genius of Moffat is that this is better now. Richer, deeper, more complex. How is that possible?
9:45pm- River must know. This is River’s childhood. The little girl IS River. River must know.
9:54pm- Alex Kingston is BLOWING MY MIND.
9:59pm- They’re in the warehouse-
Amy-“I’m pregnant.”
Astronaut child-*enters*
Alex-“speak of the devil”

DAY OF THE MOON

10:05pm- The Silence seems to be fairly tied up with the Astronaut child. Who we now know is River. Who is tied up with the eye patch woman…its all linked.
10:11pm- Discussing whether The Doctor knows there’s something wrong with Amy at this point.
Celeste-“Amelia you’re not quiet right.”
Rachel-“You’re made of yoghurt.”
10:14pm- RELEVANT QUESTION IS RELEVANT.
The Doctor- “They got the spacesuit from NASA but where’d they get the girl?”
10:21pm- Creepy orphanage guy says-“The child she must be cared for. Its important. That’s what they said.” Who are they?
10:24pm- Further discussion on Silence vs. Eye patch Woman.
Alex-“Is it possible she was kidnapped from her kidnappers?”
Celeste- “Its like a double negative. It messes with the brain.”
10:28pm- Trust Moffat to put all the mind bendy stuff in the FIRST TWO EPISODES.
The Doctor-“Tell me about the girl? Who is she? Why is she important? What is she for?”
10:41pm- When Rory’s watching River shot The Silence she says- “My old fella didn’t see that did he? He gets ever so cross?” First time ‘round I thought she meant The Doctor.
10:42pm- RIVER PLOT POINT ALERT- “I have a promise to live up to.”

THE CURSE OF THE BLACK SPOT

11:13pm- Lee Ross comes on screen. I’ve just introduced Rachel to Press Gang.
Alex-“KENNY! KENNY!”
Rachel- “Kenny!”
Celeste-“What?”
Alex- “Shhh! Celeste! Kenny’s face is on the screen! You’ll understand when you’re older.”
11:22pm- The plot holes. God the painful glaring plot holes. The unrealised potential of this episode hurts!
11:25pm- *gurblegarblegaah* What’s that? The sound of me drowning in cliches?
11:30pm- And the Kenny is gone. Why is the Kenny gone?
11:45pm- On Amy's resuscitation technique-
Celeste-"You're doing it wrong!"
Rachel-"She is so doing it wrong."
Alex-"You'd think The Doctor would be qualified to do this kind of thing. Or have a machine or something."
12:02am- Tired but determined. We’re halfway and its only midnight. *giggles in vaguely hysterical fashion*.

THE DOCTOR’S WIFE

12:06am- We’ve just switched to the TV. The annoying pre-credit sequence wasn’t on the “perfectly legal” BBC versions we’ve been watching. Which means its only on the international version of the show. I call bullshit.
12:12am- On the genius casting of Idris-
Alex- “She’s sexy but she’s not…sexy. You couldn’t cast someone like Karen Gillian.”
Rachel- “A total knockout. No. It wouldn’t work.”
Alex- “Exactly.”
Rachel- “She’s sexy like bowties are sexy.”
12:32am- After Amy looses Rory in the TARDIS for the umpteenth time-
Celeste-“This time stay together!”
Alex-“Hold hands even!”
Celeste-“You are married! You’re allowed to do that!”
Rachel-(vaguely scandalised)“In public?!”
12:35am- Amy sticks her hand in the ood beard.
Celeste-“There should be some kind of rule about touching oods in their dangley bits. Oh that sounds bad.”
Rachel- “It probably is bad. She just groped an ood.”

THE REBEL FLESH 

12:48am- Rachel is pretty seriously ill. Exhibit A-
Rachel-“This is a pretty good way to spend an evening.”
Alex-“You’re quiet sick.”
Rachel- “This afternoon I had a shower and then I had to have a nap to recover.”
12:50am- Celeste is off doing something. Get bored of waiting.
Alex- “We started without you in the interest of going to bed before dawn.”
12:56am- When Amy works into the room with the flesh-
Rachel- “Family reunion!”
Alex- “I don’t think all the yoghurt is related.”
1:06am- Still conscious. Barely.

THE ALMOST PEOPLE

1:36am- Six down. Two to go. I think Rachel and I are the only ones who are fully conscious and she’s slightly feverish. Like she’s shivering. It’s a bit alarming.
1:40am- The logical part of my brain is telling me to watch the last two in the morning. That part of my brain has lost the argument.
1:49am- Doctor Who makes me a bit of an apathetic bitch. There are people in my house trying to sleep. I’m being a very bad host.
2:00am- Remember you are yoghurt and to yoghurt you shall return.
2:10am- There’s a little part of my brain that switches on at about 2am. Its sole purpose is to yell at me thus- WHY ARE YOU STILL AWAKE ALEX! YOU ARE STILL AWAKE! PLEASE STOP BEING AWAKE IMMEDIATELY!
2:17AM- Down to communicating via small emotive noises. And single sentences.
2:27am- Defeated by my DVR. BRB-passing out.

Basically what happened was this. I thought I had A Good Man Goes to War recorded. It didn’t record. We could have watched it on Celeste’s laptop but it’s password protected and she was pretty unconscious by that stage. So we admitted defeat.

SATURDAY 27TH 

A GOOD MAN GOES TO WAR

3:50pm- At Rachel’s place. Her and I are about to watch the last episode on her laptop.
3:55pm- Rachel still slightly feverish. Me exhausted.
4:01pm- I still believe Doctor Who is the sure for all ills. Having said that Rachel could also do with some serious drugs.
4:05pm- During the battle scene with the Sontaran nurse-
Alex- “Nice bit of gratuitous gravel quarry.”
4:07pm- We decided that Rory going to see River in the Storm Cage must be pretty early in her timeline. Possibly the first time she’s met Rory.
Rachel-“This is so nice. She just wants to tell her father what she did for her birthday.”
4:20pm- Rory hands the baby to Amy-
Rory- “Mrs Williams.”
Rachel- “Mrs Pond.”
Alex- “I wonder what it says on the marriage certificate.”
4:26pm- MATT SMITH MAKES GREAT FACES.
4:31pm- Awkward Doctor sexy talk is awkward.
4:31pm- On Melody Pond-
Alex-“Its such a cute baby. Look at it. Cute.”
Rachel- “It’s a-*voice breaks.* It’s a-*voice breaks.*”
Alex- “Its Amy and Rory’s baby so it has to be cute?”
Rachel- (croakily) “That’s what I was getting at.”
4:45pm- Both of us are so exhausted from the effort of that emotion we need to make a significant nap.

FIN.

So you want to be a Doctor's Companion?

'Oh! Doctor!'

Firstly you’re going to have to learn to run in heels. This is, without doubt, the most important skill you can possibly master to prepare yourself for the arrival of that blue box. Running will fill up a lot of your time from now on and, more importantly, sensible shoes are frowned upon. Plus you might have to run for your life at a black tie event.

During your training be sure to master running not only on solid floors but on grass, mud and the shifting walls of gravel quarries. It is also vitally important that you practice running on metal grills. You will probably have to do this above the flaming heart of an exploding spaceship- getting a heal caught could be disastrous.

Seriously. Look at those heels.

You’re going to need to get very fit. Have you ever seen a slightly over weight companion? Unfortunately, no. They’re all in peak physical condition. The Doctor needs them that way. For the running. It’s also a good idea to perfect a style of running that doesn’t make you look like a spastic sea bird. Try for grace and elegance, even when going full pelt. Plus make sure you can maintain this while holding someone’s hand. Don’t want to mess that bit up do we?
You may also need to hold onto small ledges for dear life, so get some upper body strength.

Your life is going to need to be boring. This is a harsh, but unavoidable, truth. If you get an interesting and satisfying job you’re probably not in with a chance. Same goes for a perfect family and/or social life. He picks people who are generally dissatisfied with their lot in life- who want to escape and leave it all behind. Luckily bad-ass boyfriends seem to be encouraged.

On the subject of total BAMFs.

Get amazing hair. Apart from granting you general success in life, great hair is a must if you want to be a companion. Especially in his recent incarnations, The Doctor has hair to be reckoned with. Its your job to give him a run for his money.
It’s also worth noting that you may have to run out the door at any given moment, so lengthily beauty routines are out. Take some time learning to look fabulous in record time.

On that note- buy a dressing gown. You won’t know where, you won’t know when. A dressing gown will help you achieve an attractively dishevelled look in the wee early hours if necessary. Plus if he does rock up at 1AM, you won’t have time to get changed. Blink and you’ll have missed him.

Karen. Obviously letting the team down.

Now you’re going to need to move to the UK. This is vitally important. Records indicate that being born anywhere other than the British Isles will have already seriously affected your prospects. Living elsewhere more or less kills them dead. So get off your arse and relocate. Preferably somewhere prone to alien invasion.

Now wait. And listen.

Vroom...vroom...vroom.

Pick me up.*

Asking me to play Trivial Pursuit is almost definitely worth a crack. 

Ah pick-up lines. There’s a lot of them floating around1. Despite various advances in social graces apparently people still use them. Totally ignoring to fact that the best way to pick someone up is almost certainly to go up and say hi and also that I’m probably the last person you should be asking for advice in this department, I have compiled a list. 

Here is a short collection of pick-up lines from texts of note2. If someone tried to use any one of these on me, in the correct situation and using the correct wording (misquoting is obviously a turn-off), it would almost certainly warrant my attention. Not least of which because said person is showing some creativity and a knowledge of obscure popular culture3.

I’m certifiably crazy about you. I’ll be your name I’m muttering when they take away my shoe laces. 

(Press Gang)

Obviously this would be coming on a bit strong right off the cuff but you could probably work it into conversation slightly later in the evening when everyone’s a bit inebriated. 

Get your coat. You’ve pulled. 

(Ashes to Ashes)

I don’t think this would work in every situation but done right- this would work. Yes this would work. 

Hey is this guy boring you? Why don’t you come and talk to me instead? I’m from a different planet. Seriously. Want to see my spaceship?

(Hitchhiker)

Still find it slightly baffling why a lovely and intelligent girl like Trillian chose to run away with someone like Zaphod? He had a spaceship people. A spaceship. Case closed.5 

Let’s go somewhere. Madagascar. I want to go somewhere I’ve never been and I’d like to go with you. 

(Hitchhiker)

Please note that I’d easily be able to do Arthur’s lines from memory if someone initiated this.

Other planets? Want to see some?

(Doctor Who)

This is a pick-up line. I don’t care if Eleven said it to Amy with totally platonic intention IT IS A PICK-UP LINE. 

I’ve saved the best for last. It’s a Press Gang one6. This is arguably the greatest pick up line in existence- 

Hey, can I tell you something. I mean, this might be a bit embarrassing coming from a guy you've just met and everything, but, I really think you should know. Say this was like the olden days, you know, thousands and thousands of years ago...I'd kill a dragon for you. No really, I would. I'd go right out there and I'd kill one. In fact, I'll make you an offer. If you'll go out with me some night this week, I'll make a definite commitment to kill the first dragon that I see. 

Obviously it is now your turn. Favourite fictional pick-up line in the comments. GO!

*I apologise for the title pun. It was irresistible. 

1- For your reference, my favourite non-fictional pick-up line is as follows- Nice shoes. Let’s f*ck. Its got everything- confidence, absurdity and also shoes. 

2- And by “note” I mean “that Alex likes very much.” Obviously. 

3- Or that they read my blog. But that’s far less impressive. 

4- This is not the footnote you're looking for!

5- Ok so ARGUABLY there’s more to it than that. But I don’t think Douglas Adams ever intended us to delve too deeply into the sex lives of his characters. 

6-Another one, I know. To be honest if you studied the actions of Spike Thompson you could probably get me wrapped ‘round your little finger.

This is where it gets complicated.

Accurate facial expression is accurate. 

And so it begins.

A Good Man Goes to War has officially aired in the UK and US. It’s out there. Floating around the internet like a giant glob of red dye, leaving ugly stains wherever it connects with something else. This week is, for those of us operating in Real Time, not going to be easy.

In the half hour I was on the internet this morning I had two close encounters during which I made a strangled noise and rapidly closed a tab. And I didn’t even go anywhere dangerous. Most of the internet is now off limits.

I have to go to Quidditch on Monday and there’s a seriously high chance that at least two of my team mates will have seen it. The next seven days will feature a lot of singing loudly and punching people until they shut up. I have no doubt.

The Almost People was bad enough. It marks something of a milestone. Progressing from the numerous mental, emotional and physiological scars which he is responsible for, Steven Moffat actually caused me physical harm.

Following last night’s episode I was leaping around the lounge room trying to dispel some of the enormous amount of pent up EMOTION I’d suddenly been furnished with, when I connected with the lounge. I am therefore, holding Mr Steven Moffat Sir personally accountable for the large bruise on my upper thigh.
That right there is some pretty powerfully scripting sir. I salute you.

I really want to go back and watch the full series again. I feel as though, by not being in the right mood for it, I did The Impossible Astronaut a serious disservice. This series has the makings of being the best ever. As much as a adore series 5, and it will always hold a special place, series 6 is already so much more. Moffat (and co) have once again proved me wrong. Never, ever underestimate or doubt him. He is God after all.

THEORY ALERT
This is a week when speculation is both almost irresistible and very, very dangerous. But here’s a few things that I think won’t change by next week.

(WHO AM I KIDDING? NEXT WEEK IS WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGES!)

1- I know there’s absolutely nothing worse than people with theories who feel the need to have their ‘I told you so’ moment but…space midwife. Just saying.

2- I think Space and Time need re-watching. I know they were stand alone mini-episodes but I think there are clues hidden there. They were the first moment when Amy showed sighs that something was wrong.

3- Going right back to the series trailer- the scenes with the creepy dolls do not have Amy in them.

4- The Doctor and his Ganger discussed cybermats. With almost no context. There was just a random throw away reference to a cybermat. Can everyone say PLOT POINT?

If you're adverse to the teaser kind of spoilers- don't look at this picture.  

Doctor Who writers- a spotters guide

Steven Moffat 

Pictured here with a dalek

Which episodes has he written?
1- The Impossible Astronaut
2- Day of the Moon
7- A Good Man Goes to War
Plus episodes 8 and 13 (titles TBC)

What do I know him from?
Being God? Apart from being the current Head Writer, Moffat has written all the best episodes the series has served up since 2005. He’s the co-creator of Sherlock. You all know who Moffat is.

Is he any good?
Is this a trick question?

Stephen Thompson

Steve has the unfortunate affliction of a creepy albino Googleganger. 

Which episode has it written?
3- The Curse of the Black Spot

What do I know him from?
He wrote The Blind Banker. Otherwise known as “the other episode” in the first season of Sherlock.

Is he any good?
He must be. That’s what baffles me. He MUST have something going for him to be asked to write Sherlock. I think the poor guy is getting a bad rap. If The Blink Banker hadn’t been wedged between A Study in Pink and The Great Game it wouldn’t have paled so much. And Curse of the Black spot was GOOD. But it wasn’t great.

Neil Gaiman 

Pictured not blinking.

Which episode has he written?
4- The Doctor’s Wife

What do I know him from?
Neil Gaiman seems to be one of those people. You know. Everyone knows who is his but when asked what he’s actually written people tend to say “He’s Neil Gaiman!”
I know him from an amazing movie called Mirror Mask but he’s written truck loads of cool stuff. Plus he’s married to Amanda Palmer.

Is he any good?
Did you watch The Doctor’s Wife? I don’t feel like I can say Moffat’s written all the best episodes now because he hasn’t. That episode will go down in Who history, it already has.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we see more Gaiman episodes in the future.

Matthew Graham 

Pictured looking rather too much like Gene Hunt

Which episodes has he written?
5- The Rebel Flesh
6- The Almost People

What do I know him from?
He’s the co-creator of Ashes to Ashes and Life on Mars (and yes, I’m aware I’m the only person alive who lists them in that order). So he’s got some serious time travel credentials.

Is he any good?
Yes. That’s the simple answer. I enjoyed The Rebel Flesh enormously. I think its one of the strongest episodes the series has served up this year (can we just take The Doctor’s Wife out of the equation? Its very difficult to talk about the other episodes beside that one). It was scary and witty and clever. I’m impressed.

Mark Gatiss

Pictured here looking frightened. Possibly of his own creepy dolls.

Which episodes has he written?
Episode 9

What do I know him from?
Going way back he wrote The Unquiet Dead (the one in series one with Charles Dickens and Gwen Cooper in it) and The Idiots Lantern (Queen’s coronation, television that wants to kill people, street party). He also wrote Victory of the Daleks. You know, that one with Winston Churchill. Plus he’s the co creator of Sherlock and wrote The Great Game. Oh, and he plays Mycroft.

Is he any good?
Did you just read that? Yes. He’s pretty good.

Speculation?
Its been confirmed that this is the episode with the creepy dolls from the trailer. It was originally in the first block but was moved across. The last I heard it was called something like “What little boys are made of.”
I think it’ll be properly creepy. That might just be my fear of the dolls talking.

Tom MacRae 

Pictured with silly haircut and Transformer. 

Which episode has he written?
Episode 10

What do I know him from?
He wrote Rise of the Cybermen and Age of Steel back in Martha’s day. Those were the ones with all the blimps when Mickey was trying to be a BAMF.

Is he any good?
We don’t really have a lot to go off. Those two episodes were kind of forgettable really. I thought they were silly but I always attributed that to Russel and his parallel universe story arc.

Speculation?
None at all. Maybe Nazis. They’ve got to crush Nazis in there somewhere but I am (for absolutely no reason at all) tipping Gatiss to have those.

Toby Whithouse 

Pictured with a bottle of water.

Which episode has he written?
The God Complex (episode 11)

What do I know him from?
He wrote School Reunion (Sarah Jane and K9) way back and last series he penned Vampires in Venice (remember the one with the vampires? In Venice?). He’s also the creator of the excellent Being Human.

Is he any good?
I’ve got a weird relationship with Toby Whithouse. I really love his work (I retain that Being Human deserved way more attention) but at the same time… he’s a bit rubbish at endings. The finale of every season of Being Human manages to be kind of disappointing. Despite some amazing moments, Vampires in Venice did end up with The Doctor climbing a tower in a storm. I think he’s strongest when he’s writing character based dialogue scenes.

Speculation?
Have you not noticed the running thread in all his writing? There will be vampires. If there is not at least a little bit of vampires then I will eat my fez.

Gareth Roberts 

Pictured looking slightly like an evil mastermind.

Which episode has he written?
Episode 12

What do I know him from?
He wrote The Shakespeare Code and The Unicorn and the Wasp. He then did a massive back-flip from those pretty ok historical episodes to write The Lodger.

Is he any good?
Go watch The Lodger again. It is seriously wonderful. It features Matt Smith feeding someone out of a tea pot. And also being naked. And I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS! If I didn’t have such a fondness for The Eleventh Hour, I’d say it was the best episode in series 5.

Speculation?
This is almost certainly the episode with THAT coat and Craig and the cybermat. Oh and the baby. If you don’t know what I’m on about see this video.
We know this is some kind of follow up to The Lodger. We know Craig Owens will return and there is word that The Doctor will be working in a shop.


Why are there no female writers in this list?
If you type "why are there no female Doctor Who writers?" into Google images you get this picture of Rory looking sad.

TARDIS pie- two variations

Tastier on the inside.

VEGETARIAN TARDIS PIE

By popular demand, here is meat-free variation for meat-free Whovians. 

Its potato, leek and mushroom. 

TIMING

This one takes a bit less time than the meat version but the pie still needs to cook for at least an hour. So if you want to eat before the episode starts, start cooking at least two and a half hours before.

You can see the REDUCED stickers. Cheapskate and proud. 

INGREDIENTS 

Potato

Mushrooms*

Onion

Garlic

Cream

Short crust pastry

A NOTE ON MUSHROOMS-
I used a combination of button and Swiss browns. The reason for this was that when I went shopping to buy ingredients both these varieties had large, tempting REDUCED stickers on them. Also Swiss browns claim to be "meaty" and I thought that might be called for. You could use pretty much whatever sort you like. But probably not those weird stringy Japanese ones.

And if you don't like mushrooms? You are silly.

1- Chop all ingredients, slicing the potato into thin strips.

This one LOOKS a lot prettier than the meat version

2- Sauté the onion and garlic until soft then add the mushrooms.  

Sauté people. Fancy.

3- Add potato, then leek. Cook until combined. 

It just looks good for you...

4- Add cream. You'll need enough for there to be some sauce but not so much that its sloppy. 

...and then you add cream.

5- Cover and cook on low until the potato is soft.

And suddenly its not pretty any more.

6- Follow instructions as per regular TARDIS pie.

SOME NOTES ON THE TARDIS PIE MODEL

It is defiantly a good idea to bind the exterior bits to your base pastry. I've tried milk and egg and egg is much better. If you brush a little egg on the back of each piece of pastry before you press it on, the whole thing will stay together a lot better during baking.

You'll also notice I've started adding a line down the centre of the doors. 

The more you practice, the better the pies look.

No, they aren't BIGGER on the inside. Please stop asking.

APPLE TARDIS PIE

This is my favourite sort so far. Seriously, its glorious. 

NOTE- I wouldn't recommend having TARDIS pie for two courses. You would probably explode.

TIMING

This one's a little different in that I was aiming to eat it AFTER the episode. So I started cooking about an hour before and put the pie in the oven when the episode started. It was perfectly ready after 45 minutes (these are smaller than the savoury ones).

Apples still count as a serve of fruit when stewed in butter and sugar right?

INGREDIENTS

Apple

Butter

Brown sugar 

Cinnamon and/or nutmeg 

Short crust pastry

Whatever kind of apple you like, by the way.

1- I was going to say 'slice to apple into small cube type shapes' then I realised cooking has invented a work for that. Its called cubing. 

2- Put the apple in the pan. Add a decent lump of butter. Don't be stingy. 

You can go for a jog later.

3- Add a couple of spoons of brown sugar and a little water. Mix. 

The spices are kind of optional. Except they aren't. Add them.

4- Add all your spices.

5- Cover and cook on low, stirring occasionally, until the sauce is thick and syrupy. 

See how its kind of a little bit like toffee?

6- Follow instructions as per regular TARDIS pie.

 I recommend making these ones smaller though, about half the size. 

Its how Eleven would whip his cream.

7- Serve with whipped cream. If you have an old-school hand beater, use that.

 Its feels very TARDIS-y. 

I cannot tell you how good this one is. Seriously. MAKE ONE.

THEORY ALERT!

Everything tastes better when you put it in a pie shaped like a TARDIS.

I'm looking for suggestions for other types of filling. 

We've got three episodes to go in this block. So that's three more kinds of pie. 

Thoughts?

I'm thinking a berry one because the apple is so good. Also chicken.

Please note- its a little bit weird eating TARDIS pie after watching The Doctor's Wife.

The Doctor's Wife

For an episode that was so damn pretty,
it was stupidly difficult to find a decent picture

You know when you love something so much that it feels as though your heart is going to explode? Like its, quite literally, bigger on the inside and your chest won‘t be able to hold it forever?

That was so much more than magic and honey.

To accurately summarise my feelings about The Doctor’s Wife I shall recount a text conversation I had with beccamarsh shortly after the credits-
“I HAVE NO WORDS.”
“I’ve got a few words- Neil. F*cking. Gaiman.”

This won’t be a long post because I can’t do that episode justice. It’s a bit like the Ashes’ finale in that, to describe it without gleeful noises, grins and enthusiastic hand gestures seems ridiculous. Very rarely does television make me actually cry out with sheer joy. That did. At least twice.

I wrote a bunch of paragraphs in this space but none of them seemed right so I deleted them. I have so much to say that I can’t say any of it.

Basically that was glorious. Proper, delightful, bigger-on-the-inside glorious.

I bloody love Doctor Who.

THEORY ALERT
The biggest plot point in that episode, in case you missed it, was this-

The only water in the forest is the river…

Lets just think about that sentence for a moment. It contains one very, very important word. Shall I tell you what it is?

River.  

The curse of the black spot

It’s occurred to me that when you have very high expectations of a thing, it becomes very difficult for that thing to surpass those expectations.

The expectations I had placed on Curse of the Black Spot were enormous. I mean come on! It was Doctor Who. With pirates. Those are two of my most favourite things. For a long time an episode about pirates was my hypothetical episode (were Steven Moffat ever to sweep out of the sky and offer me a writing gig). All this excitement was only accentuated when I found out Lee Ross was going to be in the episode (he’s from Press Gang, just go with it). There was a few days last year, when all these details came to light, that I was so excited I almost couldn’t function.

Lee Ross is pretty amazing. 

So did I like the episode? Yes. I did like it. Was it THE GREATEST EPISODE EVER OF ALL TIME? No. Not really. It was just a rather good episode. And rather good is rather good. it’s a bit like life really, being disappointed with contentedness because it isn’t joy is ridiculous.

Existential angst aside. I thought it was all quite clever. The dialogue (though a bit quick at times) was funny and suitably littered with pirate slang. Plus the plot was very Who. Aliens entering our world from a parallel dimension using mirrors? Sound familiar?

Here’s the MAIN problem I had with the episode- what happened to the Boatswain? Seriously. The Boatswain (who I shall hence forth refer to as Kenny for reasons you may or may not understand) was in the magazine with Amy, Rory and Toby. Toby cuts his hand. Mulligan bails on them. Cut to The Doctor and Avery. When The Doctor and Avery return to the magazine THERE IS NO KENNY! What happened to him? The Siren didn’t come and get him? But she must of. When did that happen? Did you think we weren’t paying any attention to the minor character?! Well then why cast LEE ROSS?!

Basically that plot hole drove me almost completely nuts. To the point that I was lying awake last night trying to work out if I’d missed something. That kind of inconstancy is not what I expect from Doctor Who. Tsk.

This is my new favourite picture of all time ever.

All the other issue I have are silly things relating the pirate reality vs. pirate fact. These are the kind of problems I have with almost every pirate themed thing ever (with the honourable exception of Muppet Treasure Island). Pirates never did the walking the plank thing. It annoys me but I can understand why you put it in. Also TECHNICALLY speaking most pirate booty would have been non-shiny things like silk and grain. But, I mean, that’s just a technicality. Ignore me.

In summery the episode had some great moments. Properly brilliant moments. And the joy of watching Amy and Rory yanking at ropes in the rain was not dampened by their dodgy technique. It was very Doctor Who. And there were pirates. I was never going to NOT like it was I?

Yes I found this by Googling 'Doctor Who series 6 eye patch woman.'

THEORY ALERT!
You know the space-punk-eye-patch-women? The one in the hole in the door and the barrel? Following me? Excellent.
Here’s my theory- I think she’s got something to do with the pregnancy.
“Relax. You’re doing fine.”
You know what that sounds like? That sounds like a midwife. Also the whiteness is very hospital.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t really think that series 6 is basically Amy dreaming while in labour on account of the space drugs. That was be jump the shark material. No, no, no. But I do think there’s something wibbley and timey going on.