This is where it gets complicated.

Accurate facial expression is accurate. 

And so it begins.

A Good Man Goes to War has officially aired in the UK and US. It’s out there. Floating around the internet like a giant glob of red dye, leaving ugly stains wherever it connects with something else. This week is, for those of us operating in Real Time, not going to be easy.

In the half hour I was on the internet this morning I had two close encounters during which I made a strangled noise and rapidly closed a tab. And I didn’t even go anywhere dangerous. Most of the internet is now off limits.

I have to go to Quidditch on Monday and there’s a seriously high chance that at least two of my team mates will have seen it. The next seven days will feature a lot of singing loudly and punching people until they shut up. I have no doubt.

The Almost People was bad enough. It marks something of a milestone. Progressing from the numerous mental, emotional and physiological scars which he is responsible for, Steven Moffat actually caused me physical harm.

Following last night’s episode I was leaping around the lounge room trying to dispel some of the enormous amount of pent up EMOTION I’d suddenly been furnished with, when I connected with the lounge. I am therefore, holding Mr Steven Moffat Sir personally accountable for the large bruise on my upper thigh.
That right there is some pretty powerfully scripting sir. I salute you.

I really want to go back and watch the full series again. I feel as though, by not being in the right mood for it, I did The Impossible Astronaut a serious disservice. This series has the makings of being the best ever. As much as a adore series 5, and it will always hold a special place, series 6 is already so much more. Moffat (and co) have once again proved me wrong. Never, ever underestimate or doubt him. He is God after all.

THEORY ALERT
This is a week when speculation is both almost irresistible and very, very dangerous. But here’s a few things that I think won’t change by next week.

(WHO AM I KIDDING? NEXT WEEK IS WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGES!)

1- I know there’s absolutely nothing worse than people with theories who feel the need to have their ‘I told you so’ moment but…space midwife. Just saying.

2- I think Space and Time need re-watching. I know they were stand alone mini-episodes but I think there are clues hidden there. They were the first moment when Amy showed sighs that something was wrong.

3- Going right back to the series trailer- the scenes with the creepy dolls do not have Amy in them.

4- The Doctor and his Ganger discussed cybermats. With almost no context. There was just a random throw away reference to a cybermat. Can everyone say PLOT POINT?

If you're adverse to the teaser kind of spoilers- don't look at this picture.  

The Doctor's Wife

For an episode that was so damn pretty,
it was stupidly difficult to find a decent picture

You know when you love something so much that it feels as though your heart is going to explode? Like its, quite literally, bigger on the inside and your chest won‘t be able to hold it forever?

That was so much more than magic and honey.

To accurately summarise my feelings about The Doctor’s Wife I shall recount a text conversation I had with beccamarsh shortly after the credits-
“I HAVE NO WORDS.”
“I’ve got a few words- Neil. F*cking. Gaiman.”

This won’t be a long post because I can’t do that episode justice. It’s a bit like the Ashes’ finale in that, to describe it without gleeful noises, grins and enthusiastic hand gestures seems ridiculous. Very rarely does television make me actually cry out with sheer joy. That did. At least twice.

I wrote a bunch of paragraphs in this space but none of them seemed right so I deleted them. I have so much to say that I can’t say any of it.

Basically that was glorious. Proper, delightful, bigger-on-the-inside glorious.

I bloody love Doctor Who.

THEORY ALERT
The biggest plot point in that episode, in case you missed it, was this-

The only water in the forest is the river…

Lets just think about that sentence for a moment. It contains one very, very important word. Shall I tell you what it is?

River.  

The curse of the black spot

It’s occurred to me that when you have very high expectations of a thing, it becomes very difficult for that thing to surpass those expectations.

The expectations I had placed on Curse of the Black Spot were enormous. I mean come on! It was Doctor Who. With pirates. Those are two of my most favourite things. For a long time an episode about pirates was my hypothetical episode (were Steven Moffat ever to sweep out of the sky and offer me a writing gig). All this excitement was only accentuated when I found out Lee Ross was going to be in the episode (he’s from Press Gang, just go with it). There was a few days last year, when all these details came to light, that I was so excited I almost couldn’t function.

Lee Ross is pretty amazing. 

So did I like the episode? Yes. I did like it. Was it THE GREATEST EPISODE EVER OF ALL TIME? No. Not really. It was just a rather good episode. And rather good is rather good. it’s a bit like life really, being disappointed with contentedness because it isn’t joy is ridiculous.

Existential angst aside. I thought it was all quite clever. The dialogue (though a bit quick at times) was funny and suitably littered with pirate slang. Plus the plot was very Who. Aliens entering our world from a parallel dimension using mirrors? Sound familiar?

Here’s the MAIN problem I had with the episode- what happened to the Boatswain? Seriously. The Boatswain (who I shall hence forth refer to as Kenny for reasons you may or may not understand) was in the magazine with Amy, Rory and Toby. Toby cuts his hand. Mulligan bails on them. Cut to The Doctor and Avery. When The Doctor and Avery return to the magazine THERE IS NO KENNY! What happened to him? The Siren didn’t come and get him? But she must of. When did that happen? Did you think we weren’t paying any attention to the minor character?! Well then why cast LEE ROSS?!

Basically that plot hole drove me almost completely nuts. To the point that I was lying awake last night trying to work out if I’d missed something. That kind of inconstancy is not what I expect from Doctor Who. Tsk.

This is my new favourite picture of all time ever.

All the other issue I have are silly things relating the pirate reality vs. pirate fact. These are the kind of problems I have with almost every pirate themed thing ever (with the honourable exception of Muppet Treasure Island). Pirates never did the walking the plank thing. It annoys me but I can understand why you put it in. Also TECHNICALLY speaking most pirate booty would have been non-shiny things like silk and grain. But, I mean, that’s just a technicality. Ignore me.

In summery the episode had some great moments. Properly brilliant moments. And the joy of watching Amy and Rory yanking at ropes in the rain was not dampened by their dodgy technique. It was very Doctor Who. And there were pirates. I was never going to NOT like it was I?

Yes I found this by Googling 'Doctor Who series 6 eye patch woman.'

THEORY ALERT!
You know the space-punk-eye-patch-women? The one in the hole in the door and the barrel? Following me? Excellent.
Here’s my theory- I think she’s got something to do with the pregnancy.
“Relax. You’re doing fine.”
You know what that sounds like? That sounds like a midwife. Also the whiteness is very hospital.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t really think that series 6 is basically Amy dreaming while in labour on account of the space drugs. That was be jump the shark material. No, no, no. But I do think there’s something wibbley and timey going on.

The Impossible Astronaut

                                 

Lets cut to the chase shall we?

I was…kind of disappointed. Not because it was bad! No. There was wonderful jokes and spine tingling characterisation1. There was dialogue to die for and Doctor by the bucket loud. The Silence (or Silents or whatever, hoping they’re going to clear that little homophone discrepancy up for us soon) are sleep-with-the-lights-on terrifying2. And I am oh so looking forward to Jim the Fish and his dam3. 

But what I wanted was warm honey and magic. And warm honey and magic that this was not4. 

The Impossible Astronaut was way more ’There are Crocodiles5’ than ’The Eleventh Hour.’ It wasn’t at all what I was expecting. From the first two seconds and the French man shoe buckles it wasn’t what I was expecting. 

Obviously that isn’t a bad thing but its also kind of odd. Its like when you put something in your mouth that you expect to be sweet but it turns out to be kind of cold and salty. You know what I mean? Your brain just can’t quite deal with the surprise and so it freaks out a little bit.  

Watching it last night it honestly felt like a dream6. Admittedly that was, at least in part, because we watched it in the wee early hours of the morning. But it was more than that. Like a dream it leapt all over the place and went too quickly. I was confused and more than a little disorientated. It seemed to make some kind of sense at the time but not a kind of sense I could really grasp. 

The Doctor’s sudden and shocking death didn’t really affect me. Like when something really serious happens in a dream but you can’t react. Like when someone gets killed and you know you should cry but there’s no emotion there. That moment should have been punch in the gut material. But it wasn’t. 

I have no doubt the Moff will pull this off.7 He’s going to pull it off in ways I can’t even begin to imagine but right now…I’m not really sure how I feel about it. I’m all for delayed gratification but can’t we have some honey and magic as well? 

1- Yes, spine tingling characterisation. Like as in so good it gave me chills. Shut up. It makes sense. 

2- Assuming of course you weren’t already sleeping with the lights on for fear of Vashtaverada. 

3-Moff has sacrificed the right to make throw away references during diary checks. Diary checks are established plot points now. Its his own fault.

4-My life could do with a little more warm honey and magic. 

5-Does anyone actually get my Press Gang references? I’m not going to stop making them or anything, just curious. 

6- Like those dreams that are just an imaginary episode of Doctor Who? Everyone dreams whole episodes of Doctor Who right?

7- I know he will because Moffat is God and Moffat knows all. 

PS- I have the ability to delete comments. I shall use this ability on both spoilers and smug ‘one episode ahead’ remarks. You have been warned. 

PPS- Also- that annoying ‘my name is Amelia Pond’ bullshit before the credits?! WHAT WAS THAT?! I felt like I was having my intelligence raped. Or at least seriously insulted. If that was just for the sake of the bloody Americans they can damn well catch up on the last 50 years* of Doctor Who like everyone else in the known world had to. 

*So its not QUITE 50 years yet. Close enough. 

The Campaign for Real Time

What? Real Time? What are you talking about?

When you sit down at a scheduled time to watch a specific television program you are watching it in Real Time. So for example watching Doctor Who this Saturday at 7:30 on ABC would be watching it in Real Time. Watching it afterwards using a recording device or on iView is Catching Up. Watching it online or via a torrent in the gap between the BBC release and the Australian air date is Cheating.

And you invented these terms did you?

Probably not. These just happen to be the words I use to describe things. Real Time has a bit in common with the Campaign for Real Time (see The Hitchhiker Guide to the Galaxy Tertiary Phrase or Life, The Universe and Everything). Both are threatened by impatient people with little respect for culture.

Hang on. You're getting a bit worked up aren't you?

Yes. I probably am. This is one of those stupid things that I get stupidly angry about. I think that television, especially really good television, deserved a degree of respect. And that means making time out of your day to watch it. That means arriving in front of the television five minutes early so as not to miss the start. That means watching it right to the end without the ability to pause it. It means watching in proper high definition quality instead of a dodgy pixelated online version. 

So you've saying you've never pirated anything in your life are you, Miss High and Mighty?

I didn't say that. My piracy habits have actually increased lately but I use them only as a last resort. If a show has been ridiculously treated by a network so that no sane person would be able to watch it the proper way I might, Cheat. Or if something isn't available in Australia and shows no signs of being aired here, I'll Cheat. 


Its not piracy I have a problem with per-say, its impatience. Its pirating something totally unnecessarily. We only have to wait a week to see Doctor Who this year. ONE WEEK. Surely you can hold out that long?

So we're really talking about the new series of Doctor Who are we?

I'll be honest. Yes, yes we are. 

I still don't understand what the big deal is? Other people Cheating doesn't affect you?

No. Technically it doesn't. But one of my absolute favourite things about television is talking about it. I love long in-depth discussions of minor plot points. I love speculation and pointless in jokes. I love the discussions we have in the comments of this blog. 

And Cheating ruins all that. If you've already watched Day of the Moon when I write about The Impossible Astronaut that post becomes void for you. You'll read it knowing what happens next and only be able to make smug "Ah! Wait and see!" type comments. And those are no fun at all. 

But what about spoilers? Surely waiting to see it on TV will mean you've already had the whole episode ruined anyway? Half the world will have already seen it.

This is a risk. But I'm making precautions. I've gone into self-imposed spoiler exile. That means no Tumblr for a whole month. It means Matt Smith's socks go without their dedicated online cyclopaedia. Google Reader will slowly fill with reviews and comments and articles from places I usually love reading. I might go through and read them all later. I might not. 

And yes, this means I am cut off from all the other fans across the world. It means I have to engage with the episodes away from the internet. It means I have to talk to real people about it. And that's why Cheating sucks so bad. It means I can't talk to anyone because everyone's an episode ahead. So I have to talk to myself about it. And that's no fun at all.

I have a confession to make. I've already Cheated. You've made me feel kind of bad about it. 

That's ok. You're only human. And honestly it's not like I'm not tempted. I'm a little bit cross about the whole thing myself. EVERYONE is getting it before us. Everyone. And that isn't fair, I know. But look how far we've come. Australia used to be about ten weeks behind the UK air date. With any luck, pretty soon, we won't have this problem at all.

You can still stop you know. It won't be easy. But come Saturday you can refrain from going online and watching the next episode. Watch the ABC instead, relive what you watched online in glorious technicolur. And then hold your breath for a week. Let the excitement build even more. Talk about it. Rave about it. Speculate about it. Next Saturday, when the second episode goes it air, make an occasion of it. Make TARDIS pie (I'm going to do some recipe trials and bring you a tested version very soon) wear a fez or a bowtie or your Doctor Who shirt. Then come and talk to me about how awesome it was. We can formulate stupid theories about the significance of red lights together. Doesn't that sound fun?

Has anyone ever told you you're a bit weird?

They never really stop. 

Possibly a cactus

Doctor Who is close. 

So close in fact that the ABC have actually released an air date- Saturday 30th April at 7:30pm. I have several issues with said air date but this is not a post about that. This is a post about the new trailer. 

In case you've been living in a box without wifi, you can view the trailer in the player above. Even if you have seen it you most defiantly have not seen it enough times. So watch it again. 

Done? Mind completely blown? I know right? There's a fair chance you're having a bit of trouble coming to terms with what you've just seen (even if you're seeing it for the millionth time). Which parts are important?! Where should I be looking?! What in the name of zarquon was THAT?!

Never fear! Alex is here to help.

I will now take questions.