Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The fall


I have a theory.
(Yes, yes, yes. I know I have a lot of theories. But I’m pretty sure you come here with the express intention of reading about my hair brained theories so shut up and listen to my theory.)
I have this theory that Steve Thompson doesn’t actually exist.
This is based on a number of things. First of all, despite being the third Sherlock writer, his Wikipedia page is practically a stub. Second of all (and more importantly) when you type his name into Google images you get a lot of pictures of a creepy albino model dude who I’m pretty sure doesn’t spend his spare time going to cafes with Moffat and Gatiss. So my theory is that Steve Thompson is actually a pseudonym that Moffat and Gatiss have invented because everyone said they couldn’t POSSIBLY write all the episodes themselves and didn’t they have other things they should be doing like maybe making that Doctor Who thing that everyone likes so much? After the first series of Sherlock, they decided they’d give their “friend” “Steve” a little more creditability by letting him write an episode of Doctor Who. Except instead of writing it themselves, Moffat let his sons write it. Hence the good-intentions-but-ultimately-disappointing-resolution. So that’s my theory. I did say it was hair brained. I should possibly mention that I rather enjoy ‘Paul is dead (and also the walrus koo-koo-ka-choo)’ conspiracy theories.

Reichenbach rather lends itself to theories. Take this one-
Sherlock didn’t die because it wasn’t him who jumped.
Let me now allow you to debate this point. Given that you are a virtual reader, I will play both parts. You can be in bold.

But Sherlock was definitely standing on top of the building.
Ah yes! But John was quite a distance away and could possibly have mistake someone ELSE is a large flappy coat with striking features for Sherlock from that distance.
But they were talking on the phone.
The real Sherlock could have been out of sight and the fake one was just holding a phone and it was made to look like the real one via camera tricks.
But John saw Sherlock looking all bloody and dead and it was definitely him because DID YOU SEE THE CHECK BONES?
When John got hit by the bike, Molly and Sherlock rushed in and really quickly swapped the fake Sherlock for the real Sherlock who pretended very convincingly to be dead what with being a master of disguise and all.
Yeah but…John’s a doctor.
But, in fairness, he does have a habit of being pretty stupid sometimes. Did you see the way he opened the envolope containing mysterious powder someone just left on his doorstep despite several hired killers being ACTUALLY VISIBLE AT THE TIME. And also Molly possibly gave Sherlock some drugs that made him seem dead like they did that time in Romeo and Juliet.
So then the fake Sherlock jumped?
Yep.
So where did Sherlock get someone to pretend to be him while jumping off a building?
From Molly. Obviously.
And where did Molly get them?
The morgue. DUR!
So the fake Sherlock was…dead…all along and would possibly have difficulty pretending to talk on the phone and also jumping off buildings?
Well…yes.

All in all, our second theory is better. It goes like this-
Molly gave Sherlock some special Falling Off Building Drugs which allow one to survive blunt force trauma when leaping from great heights.

So basically all you're getting for today is theories. I also have a few pretty good ones about what John’s going to do when he finds out Sherlock isn't dead (hint- pitch a spaz) and who’s going to be married when the series comes back (hint- EVERYONE). But for now I have to go and read The Fault in Our Stars (which has already made me cry and I’m only up to chapter six) and write bad fan-fiction in my head while SHIPPING ALL THE SHIPS.

Damn I love Sherlock.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Hounds of Baskerville


Dashing

I suppose one of the main problems is that I loved Hound of the Baskervilles.

When I was trying to decide what the best book I read in 2011 was, the choice was pretty easy. The fact that I finished it a few days into January did make me a little depressed and gave me a feeling that I might have rather wasted 12 months of reading time. When I read Hound, I found myself stopping at the end of every chapter and putting the book down. This wasn’t because I didn’t want to keep reading, it was because I didn’t want it to end. I made that book last as long as I possibly could. I haven’t done that before or since.

It was always going to be hard for Sherlock (as wonderful as it is) to live up to that.
Did it?
Ok, not really.
Was it a frankly wonderful piece of television never the less?
Yes. Yes it was.

I’ve seen Belgravia four times now and every time I watch it I notice more canon jokes. There were some pretty clever ones in Hounds. The apparent light signing in Morse code and the pair in the inn with their giant dog. Quite a few times I thought “Aha! I see what they did there! They must be taking it in X direction from the book!” And then the story moved in a totally different direction and I was surprised. That was pretty great.
Most importantly, it had the essence of the original. Hound is a tale laced with superstition. It’s the case that makes Holmes question all the things he believes in. I think Benedict played that remarkably well.

Then there was all the homoerotic undertones (I can’t help thinking Gatiss ships that a bit more than Moffat does). And Benedict wearing THAT purple shirt while loping moodily through a graveyard. And Lestrade looking tanned and being called Greg.
I was not disappointed with the quantity of shots of Sherlock looking dashing atop large boulders. There was a reasonable number of those. Also moorland. These things are important.

So, the ending wasn’t totally satisfying but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t GOOD. I should probably go and watch it three more times. It was good enough to watch three more times (or fifty-three more times, which I inevitably will).

SPECULATION CORNER
By the time you read this, there’s a fair chance you’ll have already seen The Reichenbach Fall. Currently I’m waiting for beccamarsh to come over so we can watch it. I’ve been working myself into a state of moderate hysteria all week. It is looking increasingly likely that it will finish and go immediately to the dentist to talk about getting my wisdom teeth out.
And I will be a total emotional wreck.
I’m looking forward to that.
So basically its going to be TOTALLY FUCKING AWFUL. The problem is that is has the potential to be fucking awful in a number of different ways. Steve Thompson is writing this one. He’s best known for being the guy who wrote “the other one” in the last series. Also that episode of Doctor Who with the pirates and Kenny that contained about as many plot holes as a colander. I really want to think the best of him as a writer. I really, really do. But that pirate episode was a massive let down. So apart from being generally soul crushing it could also be…not as good. And I don’t know if I can bear that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and stare at a download bar.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A Scandal in Belgravia


'I've never begged for mercy in my life.' 

A Scandal in Belgravia has proudly taken its place among that very special breed of television. The kind which provokes in me a reaction which can’t be articulated, which is made entirely of violent gestures and high pitched noises. In fact, after finishing it I spent about half an hour randomly collapsing against the lounge, hugging a pillow to by head and making pained, sobbing sounds. I also wept quietly into a cupboard and yelled at some soup.
I don’t think I have ever hated Steven Moffat as much as I hated him then.

I used to wonder what it was that made a masterpiece. An ok painting and a (supposedly) really fucking amazing painting look pretty much the same on paper. Then I realised. In the flesh its rather a different matter. You can see the masterpiece the second you walk into the room. It’s the painting that, despite all the others, draws your gaze. That emblazes itself into your memory and, for a second, takes your breathe away.
Put simply Belgravia is a masterpiece, in the truest sense of the word.

It is very, very hard to tell you how the episode make me feel. Probably because it made me feel All The Things.

Reading the original stories was worth it. It was worth it just for the way I squealed when Sherlock said “Speckled Blonde”. The first fifteen minutes or so were basically just Moffat having his own little Conan Doyle fan convention in the corner. And it was rather lovely to have enough fandom knowledge to afford a ticket.

There were so many moments. Staying Alive. Shut up Mrs Hudson. Mrs Hudson. Molly and her present and the awful, awful tension of Sherlock’s rant. Sherlock in a sheet. The ashtray. Moriarty. And Mycroft. AND THE VIOLIN. And the moment when I was totally convinced that the people in the plane were merely awaiting the shipment of small lemon soaked paper napkins and would wake up shortly to be served tea and biscuits. Just everything. The only times I wasn’t giggling manically or squealing hysterically I was holding my breathe or resiting the urge force quit the whole exercise before me brain actually exploded.

The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. And a blunt one at that. Now I like sexual tension as much as the next person. I would actually be willing to hazard that I probably like it slightly more than the average next person. But when it reaches such a level that it is actually physically painful you should really take a moment to think about what it is you’re inflicting on your audience.

Come to that I CAN’T SHIP THAT MANY PEOPLE AT A TIME DAMMIT! I can’t. My brain is not physically, emotionally or mentally able to sustain it. The worst part is (with the possible exception of Sherlock/Molly) its all canon.  I’ve just finished reading the original stories and you can’t go through that without coming to ship John/Sherlock pretty fucking hard. Arthur Conan Doyle shipped John/Sherlock. This is undeniable fact. If anyone told me a week ago that Sherlock/Adler would come very, very close to beating that I would have said “HA!” and read them the passage from The Return of Sherlock Holmes where Holmes and Watson hold hands.
But Adler bought something of a trump card to the table- I actually wanted it to happen. I don’t really want John and Sherlock to leap into bed together. I’m honestly not sure what I would do if they did. But MY GOD YOU TWO. I don’t care if John’s sitting right there! He’s got his laptop and an internet connection right? He can amuse himself for a while. JUST FUCKING HAVE ALL THE SEX RIGHT NOW PLEASE.

Those who know me even marginally well are aware that this isn’t the sort of thing I make a habit of saying. Certainly not in capital letters. I’m usually a fan of the implied. But Moffat has broken my brain and now I can’t stop wondering what happened when Irene and Sherlock were stuck in the middle of the desert together for an undisclosed period of time.

Now if you’ll all excuse me I think I need to take a little bit more time to try and recover before whatever fresh hell they have planned for next week.

SPECULATION CORNER!
The second episode is written by Gatisis and based on Hound of the Baskervilles. Hound is almost certainly my favourite Holmes story. It had me utterly, totally baffled right up until the last moment. Because the only possible explanation was a really fucking big dog. And seeing as how there obviously couldn’t be a really fucking big dog there was no possible way to account for all the factors. The way the Conan Doyle did was brilliant. It blew me away. I am, needless to say, ridiculously excited to see how Gatisis is going to twist it. The beauty of Sherlock lies in its ability to surprise and delight those who haven’t read the stories AND those who know them back to front. There are almost no adaptations that can claim that. What makes the expectation rather more tense is the title-
The Hounds of Baskerville
Who would have thought that moving one little word and putting an S in the wrong place could be so totally intriguing. I am excite.


Monday, January 2, 2012

Cheating




I find it occasionally disconcerting the things that I’m known for. Among these numerous peculiarities (which I should probably blame myself for sprouting around the internet) I am That Chick Who Waits a Whole Week to Watch Doctor Who.

I’ve explained numerous times (once on a panel with Lawrence Leung and Dominic Knight in front of a room full of people) why this is something I swear by and why I think that its important. Most of you know my reasons and respect them, even if hardly anyone seems to understand them. This isn’t the time to rehash all that.
This is a time to tell you about the exceptions.

Don’t get me wrong. I remain a firm believer in the Proper Viewing of Quality Television. I’m not about the hang up my hat and become a pirate.
In forty years time when everyone is watching TV-on-demand streamed straight to their inbuilt brain computers, I’ll be That Woman Who Still Owns a Television. As in days gone by, neighbourhood children will cluster into my lounge room to marvel at the technology. And I can make them all coconut ice and lemonade and they’ll gather around to hear tell of the Marvellous Television back in The Good Old Days. I’m obviously assuming the role of Liz Lemon style crazy spinster in this scenario. We all may as well get used to the idea.

But there will always be exceptions, loopholes in my own code of conduct which occasionally allow the bending of rules. To give you an example, I watched Closing Time four days early. I can hear your gasps and cries of “hypocrite!” from here. But let me take you through the reasoning. That weekend was This is Not Art, a festival which readers of my main blog will be more than familiar with. I knew I’d be talking to people who love the show but who I rarely get to talk to. I knew a lot of them would have seen it. I knew I’d be out having a good time on the night it actually aired.  I thought long and hard about it. And then I watched it early.
I didn’t enjoy it. Honestly. It just wasn’t the same and I rather regretted the decision (at least until my DVR decided only to tape the first 15 minutes of it, the bastard). Its not an experience I think I want to repeat.

Let me present you with a rather more taxing problem- Sherlock.
Here are the factors at play.
1- Channel Nine are showing no signs of putting Sherlock on soon. The first series rated extremely well and, as I feared, it looks like they might be holding it back for rantings season. Which is ages away. At least a month after it airs in the UK.
2- Channel Nine will show it with ads. If the ABC had acquired Sherlock this whole thing would be a rather different matter. But I’m not sure I can stand to watch it with ads. Not if I have to wait as well.
3- The areas of the internet I frequent are rather in love with Sherlock. The longer I wait the more Spoiler Danger I’m going to find myself in. Not to mention the amount of people IRL who I’ve introduced to it and who will want to talk about the new series, having promptly downloaded it.
4- I’ve just finished working my way through the original stories (yes, ALL OF THEM) and I love them. I’m absolutely DYING to see how Moffat will do Adler, if Gatisis can do justice to Hound and whether That Other Guy will pull off Reichenbarch. Spoilers are a big deal here. A BIG DEAL. Even little ones.
5- We’ve waited far too long already.

Having said that I still WANT to watch it properly. I want to see that frankly spectacular cinematography (and those MOORS) in full high definition and I want to wait a WHOLE week between episodes. But those aren’t trump cards. When the first series aired I watched it on a TV so grainy I couldn’t read the onscreen texts and, in all their infinite wisdom, Channel Nine showed the episodes on Sunday, Monday and then the following Sunday. A frankly ludicrous thing to do.
So I’m left with rather a conundrum. To Cheat or not to Cheat?

So (SPOILERS!) I'm Cheating. I've weighed up all the factors and, for once, the side of evil has won. I've taken into account the fact that I'll probably never live this down. I'm prepared for that. There will probably be blogs because- Sherlock. If you haven't seen the episode in question DON'T READ THE BLOG. I will lynch you for ruining such majesty.

I suppose this just goes to show that, given the right amount of chiselled jaw bone, sensational writing and homoerotic subtext, even I can be persuaded to betray the things I believe in.