TARDIS PIE

TARDIS PIE!!

If fish fingers and custard aren’t your thing, this is the perfect Doctor Who night fare. It’s a pie. In the shape of the TARDIS. 

Tastier on the inside.

The times in this recipe are designed to ensure you have finished dinner by about 7:25 (weather time on the ABC). I know that’s anal but I can’t eat and watch Doctor Who. That would involve taking my eyes off the screen. 

I haven’t included amounts but the pie I made (using a full sheet of pastry and about two fistfuls of meat) made a pie big enough for two. Or for leftovers. Depending how many friends you have.

INGREDIENTS 

Meat (I used pre-cut casserole steak)

Onion

Slow cooker recipe base or stuff to make gravy

A little water

Olive oil (to cook with and grease pan)

Frozen short crust pastry

Apply fez to head. Not pie. That would soil the fez.

BEFORE YOU START-

1- Apply fez. Due to the scarcity of this ingredient, this step is optional.  

2- The recommended soundtrack for this exercise is Chameleon Circuit’s album. Although we will also accept the soundtrack to Series 5. 

If you don't have the Chameleon Circuit album- BUY IT.

T MINUS FIVE HOURS

1- Chop onion into smallish pieces. Cook until translucent.

2- Add meat and brown.

Attractive cooking picture.

3- Add slow cooker recipe base and the water (not too much! You want it thick). Stir through. Add whatever appropriate herbs and spices you happen to have to hand.  

(I’m sure there are more complicated ways to make the gravy part.)

4- Transfer mixture into slow cooker OR turn to low and put the lid on. 

Exact brand of recipe base unconfirmed. It was pretty good though.

 5- Allow to cook for several hours. If you’re using a pan you’ll need to stir it.

That's right. I have a tiny 70's slow cooker. Its ok to be jealous.

T MINUS TWO AND A HALF HOURS

1- Get pastry out of the freezer.

Applications from food stylists welcome.

 T MINUS TWO HOURS

1- Grease the dish or tray you plan to cook your pie on. Preheat the oven.
2- Place a sheet of pastry in the centre of the tray.
3- Spoon meat into the middle of the sheet, arranging it in a rectangular shape.
4- Lift the pastry on the long sides of the rectangle into the middle. They should just cross over. Gently seal together.
5- Lift the short sides inwards, sealing your pie.
6- Gently flip the pie over. This is the most dangerous part because the hot meat makes the pastry kind of soggy. Just be very careful.

7- Your pie should look something like the picture. Ie- nothing like a TARDIS. That’s ok, it should just have the vague shape at this stage.

DON'T PANIC! It'll look better in a sec.

8- Cut a rectangle of pastry the same size and shape as the top of your ugly pie. Lay it over the top, gently press to adhere the two pieces (you can brush it with milk or something too, that'd help). 

See?! Better!

 9- Cut thin strips of pastry and use it to build up the exterior structure of the TARDIS

If you can't do this from memory... it is very unlikely that you would want to make a TARDIS pie.

10- Don’t forget to add a door handle and a little panel for the “Free for use of Public” message. Using a toothpick or fork draw little scribbles on the tiny square to represent the writing. DO NOT try and write the message out. Just recite it to someone nearby instead. 

11- Cut a slightly thicker strip and, using your tooth pick, write POLICE BOX (again resist the urge to fit PUBLIC CALL in there). Stick this to the top. 

12- You can add a light using a little fold of pastry but they tend to fall off or flatten during cooking.

13- Brush whole pie with milk or spray with oil or something of that kind. 

 T MINUS ONE AND A HALF HOURS

1- Put your pie in the oven. Depending on the oven and the size of the pie, it should take about forty-five minutes to cook.
2- Let cool slightly before serving.

T MINUS THIRTY MINUTES

1- Turn on the television to the ABC News. This is mainly to ensure that everyone in the vicinity is absolutely aware you have the television bagsed. 

2- Prepare any vegetable you plan to eat with your pie. They are recommended for nutritional balance.

3- Plate up your pie. This involves using a spatula to put it on a plate.

4- Eat pie while watching the news. Its educational AND you won’t miss the start. 

5- Om nom nom nom. 

So there you have it. TARDIS pie. The closest you can get to transdimentional baking. 

PLEASE NOTE- If you make this recipe you are obliged to send me a picture.