This is where it gets complicated.

Accurate facial expression is accurate. 

And so it begins.

A Good Man Goes to War has officially aired in the UK and US. It’s out there. Floating around the internet like a giant glob of red dye, leaving ugly stains wherever it connects with something else. This week is, for those of us operating in Real Time, not going to be easy.

In the half hour I was on the internet this morning I had two close encounters during which I made a strangled noise and rapidly closed a tab. And I didn’t even go anywhere dangerous. Most of the internet is now off limits.

I have to go to Quidditch on Monday and there’s a seriously high chance that at least two of my team mates will have seen it. The next seven days will feature a lot of singing loudly and punching people until they shut up. I have no doubt.

The Almost People was bad enough. It marks something of a milestone. Progressing from the numerous mental, emotional and physiological scars which he is responsible for, Steven Moffat actually caused me physical harm.

Following last night’s episode I was leaping around the lounge room trying to dispel some of the enormous amount of pent up EMOTION I’d suddenly been furnished with, when I connected with the lounge. I am therefore, holding Mr Steven Moffat Sir personally accountable for the large bruise on my upper thigh.
That right there is some pretty powerfully scripting sir. I salute you.

I really want to go back and watch the full series again. I feel as though, by not being in the right mood for it, I did The Impossible Astronaut a serious disservice. This series has the makings of being the best ever. As much as a adore series 5, and it will always hold a special place, series 6 is already so much more. Moffat (and co) have once again proved me wrong. Never, ever underestimate or doubt him. He is God after all.

THEORY ALERT
This is a week when speculation is both almost irresistible and very, very dangerous. But here’s a few things that I think won’t change by next week.

(WHO AM I KIDDING? NEXT WEEK IS WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGES!)

1- I know there’s absolutely nothing worse than people with theories who feel the need to have their ‘I told you so’ moment but…space midwife. Just saying.

2- I think Space and Time need re-watching. I know they were stand alone mini-episodes but I think there are clues hidden there. They were the first moment when Amy showed sighs that something was wrong.

3- Going right back to the series trailer- the scenes with the creepy dolls do not have Amy in them.

4- The Doctor and his Ganger discussed cybermats. With almost no context. There was just a random throw away reference to a cybermat. Can everyone say PLOT POINT?

If you're adverse to the teaser kind of spoilers- don't look at this picture.  

Doctor Who writers- a spotters guide

Steven Moffat 

Pictured here with a dalek

Which episodes has he written?
1- The Impossible Astronaut
2- Day of the Moon
7- A Good Man Goes to War
Plus episodes 8 and 13 (titles TBC)

What do I know him from?
Being God? Apart from being the current Head Writer, Moffat has written all the best episodes the series has served up since 2005. He’s the co-creator of Sherlock. You all know who Moffat is.

Is he any good?
Is this a trick question?

Stephen Thompson

Steve has the unfortunate affliction of a creepy albino Googleganger. 

Which episode has it written?
3- The Curse of the Black Spot

What do I know him from?
He wrote The Blind Banker. Otherwise known as “the other episode” in the first season of Sherlock.

Is he any good?
He must be. That’s what baffles me. He MUST have something going for him to be asked to write Sherlock. I think the poor guy is getting a bad rap. If The Blink Banker hadn’t been wedged between A Study in Pink and The Great Game it wouldn’t have paled so much. And Curse of the Black spot was GOOD. But it wasn’t great.

Neil Gaiman 

Pictured not blinking.

Which episode has he written?
4- The Doctor’s Wife

What do I know him from?
Neil Gaiman seems to be one of those people. You know. Everyone knows who is his but when asked what he’s actually written people tend to say “He’s Neil Gaiman!”
I know him from an amazing movie called Mirror Mask but he’s written truck loads of cool stuff. Plus he’s married to Amanda Palmer.

Is he any good?
Did you watch The Doctor’s Wife? I don’t feel like I can say Moffat’s written all the best episodes now because he hasn’t. That episode will go down in Who history, it already has.
I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we see more Gaiman episodes in the future.

Matthew Graham 

Pictured looking rather too much like Gene Hunt

Which episodes has he written?
5- The Rebel Flesh
6- The Almost People

What do I know him from?
He’s the co-creator of Ashes to Ashes and Life on Mars (and yes, I’m aware I’m the only person alive who lists them in that order). So he’s got some serious time travel credentials.

Is he any good?
Yes. That’s the simple answer. I enjoyed The Rebel Flesh enormously. I think its one of the strongest episodes the series has served up this year (can we just take The Doctor’s Wife out of the equation? Its very difficult to talk about the other episodes beside that one). It was scary and witty and clever. I’m impressed.

Mark Gatiss

Pictured here looking frightened. Possibly of his own creepy dolls.

Which episodes has he written?
Episode 9

What do I know him from?
Going way back he wrote The Unquiet Dead (the one in series one with Charles Dickens and Gwen Cooper in it) and The Idiots Lantern (Queen’s coronation, television that wants to kill people, street party). He also wrote Victory of the Daleks. You know, that one with Winston Churchill. Plus he’s the co creator of Sherlock and wrote The Great Game. Oh, and he plays Mycroft.

Is he any good?
Did you just read that? Yes. He’s pretty good.

Speculation?
Its been confirmed that this is the episode with the creepy dolls from the trailer. It was originally in the first block but was moved across. The last I heard it was called something like “What little boys are made of.”
I think it’ll be properly creepy. That might just be my fear of the dolls talking.

Tom MacRae 

Pictured with silly haircut and Transformer. 

Which episode has he written?
Episode 10

What do I know him from?
He wrote Rise of the Cybermen and Age of Steel back in Martha’s day. Those were the ones with all the blimps when Mickey was trying to be a BAMF.

Is he any good?
We don’t really have a lot to go off. Those two episodes were kind of forgettable really. I thought they were silly but I always attributed that to Russel and his parallel universe story arc.

Speculation?
None at all. Maybe Nazis. They’ve got to crush Nazis in there somewhere but I am (for absolutely no reason at all) tipping Gatiss to have those.

Toby Whithouse 

Pictured with a bottle of water.

Which episode has he written?
The God Complex (episode 11)

What do I know him from?
He wrote School Reunion (Sarah Jane and K9) way back and last series he penned Vampires in Venice (remember the one with the vampires? In Venice?). He’s also the creator of the excellent Being Human.

Is he any good?
I’ve got a weird relationship with Toby Whithouse. I really love his work (I retain that Being Human deserved way more attention) but at the same time… he’s a bit rubbish at endings. The finale of every season of Being Human manages to be kind of disappointing. Despite some amazing moments, Vampires in Venice did end up with The Doctor climbing a tower in a storm. I think he’s strongest when he’s writing character based dialogue scenes.

Speculation?
Have you not noticed the running thread in all his writing? There will be vampires. If there is not at least a little bit of vampires then I will eat my fez.

Gareth Roberts 

Pictured looking slightly like an evil mastermind.

Which episode has he written?
Episode 12

What do I know him from?
He wrote The Shakespeare Code and The Unicorn and the Wasp. He then did a massive back-flip from those pretty ok historical episodes to write The Lodger.

Is he any good?
Go watch The Lodger again. It is seriously wonderful. It features Matt Smith feeding someone out of a tea pot. And also being naked. And I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS! If I didn’t have such a fondness for The Eleventh Hour, I’d say it was the best episode in series 5.

Speculation?
This is almost certainly the episode with THAT coat and Craig and the cybermat. Oh and the baby. If you don’t know what I’m on about see this video.
We know this is some kind of follow up to The Lodger. We know Craig Owens will return and there is word that The Doctor will be working in a shop.


Why are there no female writers in this list?
If you type "why are there no female Doctor Who writers?" into Google images you get this picture of Rory looking sad.

TARDIS pie- two variations

Tastier on the inside.

VEGETARIAN TARDIS PIE

By popular demand, here is meat-free variation for meat-free Whovians. 

Its potato, leek and mushroom. 

TIMING

This one takes a bit less time than the meat version but the pie still needs to cook for at least an hour. So if you want to eat before the episode starts, start cooking at least two and a half hours before.

You can see the REDUCED stickers. Cheapskate and proud. 

INGREDIENTS 

Potato

Mushrooms*

Onion

Garlic

Cream

Short crust pastry

A NOTE ON MUSHROOMS-
I used a combination of button and Swiss browns. The reason for this was that when I went shopping to buy ingredients both these varieties had large, tempting REDUCED stickers on them. Also Swiss browns claim to be "meaty" and I thought that might be called for. You could use pretty much whatever sort you like. But probably not those weird stringy Japanese ones.

And if you don't like mushrooms? You are silly.

1- Chop all ingredients, slicing the potato into thin strips.

This one LOOKS a lot prettier than the meat version

2- Sauté the onion and garlic until soft then add the mushrooms.  

Sauté people. Fancy.

3- Add potato, then leek. Cook until combined. 

It just looks good for you...

4- Add cream. You'll need enough for there to be some sauce but not so much that its sloppy. 

...and then you add cream.

5- Cover and cook on low until the potato is soft.

And suddenly its not pretty any more.

6- Follow instructions as per regular TARDIS pie.

SOME NOTES ON THE TARDIS PIE MODEL

It is defiantly a good idea to bind the exterior bits to your base pastry. I've tried milk and egg and egg is much better. If you brush a little egg on the back of each piece of pastry before you press it on, the whole thing will stay together a lot better during baking.

You'll also notice I've started adding a line down the centre of the doors. 

The more you practice, the better the pies look.

No, they aren't BIGGER on the inside. Please stop asking.

APPLE TARDIS PIE

This is my favourite sort so far. Seriously, its glorious. 

NOTE- I wouldn't recommend having TARDIS pie for two courses. You would probably explode.

TIMING

This one's a little different in that I was aiming to eat it AFTER the episode. So I started cooking about an hour before and put the pie in the oven when the episode started. It was perfectly ready after 45 minutes (these are smaller than the savoury ones).

Apples still count as a serve of fruit when stewed in butter and sugar right?

INGREDIENTS

Apple

Butter

Brown sugar 

Cinnamon and/or nutmeg 

Short crust pastry

Whatever kind of apple you like, by the way.

1- I was going to say 'slice to apple into small cube type shapes' then I realised cooking has invented a work for that. Its called cubing. 

2- Put the apple in the pan. Add a decent lump of butter. Don't be stingy. 

You can go for a jog later.

3- Add a couple of spoons of brown sugar and a little water. Mix. 

The spices are kind of optional. Except they aren't. Add them.

4- Add all your spices.

5- Cover and cook on low, stirring occasionally, until the sauce is thick and syrupy. 

See how its kind of a little bit like toffee?

6- Follow instructions as per regular TARDIS pie.

 I recommend making these ones smaller though, about half the size. 

Its how Eleven would whip his cream.

7- Serve with whipped cream. If you have an old-school hand beater, use that.

 Its feels very TARDIS-y. 

I cannot tell you how good this one is. Seriously. MAKE ONE.

THEORY ALERT!

Everything tastes better when you put it in a pie shaped like a TARDIS.

I'm looking for suggestions for other types of filling. 

We've got three episodes to go in this block. So that's three more kinds of pie. 

Thoughts?

I'm thinking a berry one because the apple is so good. Also chicken.

Please note- its a little bit weird eating TARDIS pie after watching The Doctor's Wife.

The Doctor's Wife

For an episode that was so damn pretty,
it was stupidly difficult to find a decent picture

You know when you love something so much that it feels as though your heart is going to explode? Like its, quite literally, bigger on the inside and your chest won‘t be able to hold it forever?

That was so much more than magic and honey.

To accurately summarise my feelings about The Doctor’s Wife I shall recount a text conversation I had with beccamarsh shortly after the credits-
“I HAVE NO WORDS.”
“I’ve got a few words- Neil. F*cking. Gaiman.”

This won’t be a long post because I can’t do that episode justice. It’s a bit like the Ashes’ finale in that, to describe it without gleeful noises, grins and enthusiastic hand gestures seems ridiculous. Very rarely does television make me actually cry out with sheer joy. That did. At least twice.

I wrote a bunch of paragraphs in this space but none of them seemed right so I deleted them. I have so much to say that I can’t say any of it.

Basically that was glorious. Proper, delightful, bigger-on-the-inside glorious.

I bloody love Doctor Who.

THEORY ALERT
The biggest plot point in that episode, in case you missed it, was this-

The only water in the forest is the river…

Lets just think about that sentence for a moment. It contains one very, very important word. Shall I tell you what it is?

River.  

The curse of the black spot

It’s occurred to me that when you have very high expectations of a thing, it becomes very difficult for that thing to surpass those expectations.

The expectations I had placed on Curse of the Black Spot were enormous. I mean come on! It was Doctor Who. With pirates. Those are two of my most favourite things. For a long time an episode about pirates was my hypothetical episode (were Steven Moffat ever to sweep out of the sky and offer me a writing gig). All this excitement was only accentuated when I found out Lee Ross was going to be in the episode (he’s from Press Gang, just go with it). There was a few days last year, when all these details came to light, that I was so excited I almost couldn’t function.

Lee Ross is pretty amazing. 

So did I like the episode? Yes. I did like it. Was it THE GREATEST EPISODE EVER OF ALL TIME? No. Not really. It was just a rather good episode. And rather good is rather good. it’s a bit like life really, being disappointed with contentedness because it isn’t joy is ridiculous.

Existential angst aside. I thought it was all quite clever. The dialogue (though a bit quick at times) was funny and suitably littered with pirate slang. Plus the plot was very Who. Aliens entering our world from a parallel dimension using mirrors? Sound familiar?

Here’s the MAIN problem I had with the episode- what happened to the Boatswain? Seriously. The Boatswain (who I shall hence forth refer to as Kenny for reasons you may or may not understand) was in the magazine with Amy, Rory and Toby. Toby cuts his hand. Mulligan bails on them. Cut to The Doctor and Avery. When The Doctor and Avery return to the magazine THERE IS NO KENNY! What happened to him? The Siren didn’t come and get him? But she must of. When did that happen? Did you think we weren’t paying any attention to the minor character?! Well then why cast LEE ROSS?!

Basically that plot hole drove me almost completely nuts. To the point that I was lying awake last night trying to work out if I’d missed something. That kind of inconstancy is not what I expect from Doctor Who. Tsk.

This is my new favourite picture of all time ever.

All the other issue I have are silly things relating the pirate reality vs. pirate fact. These are the kind of problems I have with almost every pirate themed thing ever (with the honourable exception of Muppet Treasure Island). Pirates never did the walking the plank thing. It annoys me but I can understand why you put it in. Also TECHNICALLY speaking most pirate booty would have been non-shiny things like silk and grain. But, I mean, that’s just a technicality. Ignore me.

In summery the episode had some great moments. Properly brilliant moments. And the joy of watching Amy and Rory yanking at ropes in the rain was not dampened by their dodgy technique. It was very Doctor Who. And there were pirates. I was never going to NOT like it was I?

Yes I found this by Googling 'Doctor Who series 6 eye patch woman.'

THEORY ALERT!
You know the space-punk-eye-patch-women? The one in the hole in the door and the barrel? Following me? Excellent.
Here’s my theory- I think she’s got something to do with the pregnancy.
“Relax. You’re doing fine.”
You know what that sounds like? That sounds like a midwife. Also the whiteness is very hospital.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t really think that series 6 is basically Amy dreaming while in labour on account of the space drugs. That was be jump the shark material. No, no, no. But I do think there’s something wibbley and timey going on.

TARDIS PIE

TARDIS PIE!!

If fish fingers and custard aren’t your thing, this is the perfect Doctor Who night fare. It’s a pie. In the shape of the TARDIS. 

Tastier on the inside.

The times in this recipe are designed to ensure you have finished dinner by about 7:25 (weather time on the ABC). I know that’s anal but I can’t eat and watch Doctor Who. That would involve taking my eyes off the screen. 

I haven’t included amounts but the pie I made (using a full sheet of pastry and about two fistfuls of meat) made a pie big enough for two. Or for leftovers. Depending how many friends you have.

INGREDIENTS 

Meat (I used pre-cut casserole steak)

Onion

Slow cooker recipe base or stuff to make gravy

A little water

Olive oil (to cook with and grease pan)

Frozen short crust pastry

Apply fez to head. Not pie. That would soil the fez.

BEFORE YOU START-

1- Apply fez. Due to the scarcity of this ingredient, this step is optional.  

2- The recommended soundtrack for this exercise is Chameleon Circuit’s album. Although we will also accept the soundtrack to Series 5. 

If you don't have the Chameleon Circuit album- BUY IT.

T MINUS FIVE HOURS

1- Chop onion into smallish pieces. Cook until translucent.

2- Add meat and brown.

Attractive cooking picture.

3- Add slow cooker recipe base and the water (not too much! You want it thick). Stir through. Add whatever appropriate herbs and spices you happen to have to hand.  

(I’m sure there are more complicated ways to make the gravy part.)

4- Transfer mixture into slow cooker OR turn to low and put the lid on. 

Exact brand of recipe base unconfirmed. It was pretty good though.

 5- Allow to cook for several hours. If you’re using a pan you’ll need to stir it.

That's right. I have a tiny 70's slow cooker. Its ok to be jealous.

T MINUS TWO AND A HALF HOURS

1- Get pastry out of the freezer.

Applications from food stylists welcome.

 T MINUS TWO HOURS

1- Grease the dish or tray you plan to cook your pie on. Preheat the oven.
2- Place a sheet of pastry in the centre of the tray.
3- Spoon meat into the middle of the sheet, arranging it in a rectangular shape.
4- Lift the pastry on the long sides of the rectangle into the middle. They should just cross over. Gently seal together.
5- Lift the short sides inwards, sealing your pie.
6- Gently flip the pie over. This is the most dangerous part because the hot meat makes the pastry kind of soggy. Just be very careful.

7- Your pie should look something like the picture. Ie- nothing like a TARDIS. That’s ok, it should just have the vague shape at this stage.

DON'T PANIC! It'll look better in a sec.

8- Cut a rectangle of pastry the same size and shape as the top of your ugly pie. Lay it over the top, gently press to adhere the two pieces (you can brush it with milk or something too, that'd help). 

See?! Better!

 9- Cut thin strips of pastry and use it to build up the exterior structure of the TARDIS

If you can't do this from memory... it is very unlikely that you would want to make a TARDIS pie.

10- Don’t forget to add a door handle and a little panel for the “Free for use of Public” message. Using a toothpick or fork draw little scribbles on the tiny square to represent the writing. DO NOT try and write the message out. Just recite it to someone nearby instead. 

11- Cut a slightly thicker strip and, using your tooth pick, write POLICE BOX (again resist the urge to fit PUBLIC CALL in there). Stick this to the top. 

12- You can add a light using a little fold of pastry but they tend to fall off or flatten during cooking.

13- Brush whole pie with milk or spray with oil or something of that kind. 

 T MINUS ONE AND A HALF HOURS

1- Put your pie in the oven. Depending on the oven and the size of the pie, it should take about forty-five minutes to cook.
2- Let cool slightly before serving.

T MINUS THIRTY MINUTES

1- Turn on the television to the ABC News. This is mainly to ensure that everyone in the vicinity is absolutely aware you have the television bagsed. 

2- Prepare any vegetable you plan to eat with your pie. They are recommended for nutritional balance.

3- Plate up your pie. This involves using a spatula to put it on a plate.

4- Eat pie while watching the news. Its educational AND you won’t miss the start. 

5- Om nom nom nom. 

So there you have it. TARDIS pie. The closest you can get to transdimentional baking. 

PLEASE NOTE- If you make this recipe you are obliged to send me a picture.

The Impossible Astronaut

                                 

Lets cut to the chase shall we?

I was…kind of disappointed. Not because it was bad! No. There was wonderful jokes and spine tingling characterisation1. There was dialogue to die for and Doctor by the bucket loud. The Silence (or Silents or whatever, hoping they’re going to clear that little homophone discrepancy up for us soon) are sleep-with-the-lights-on terrifying2. And I am oh so looking forward to Jim the Fish and his dam3. 

But what I wanted was warm honey and magic. And warm honey and magic that this was not4. 

The Impossible Astronaut was way more ’There are Crocodiles5’ than ’The Eleventh Hour.’ It wasn’t at all what I was expecting. From the first two seconds and the French man shoe buckles it wasn’t what I was expecting. 

Obviously that isn’t a bad thing but its also kind of odd. Its like when you put something in your mouth that you expect to be sweet but it turns out to be kind of cold and salty. You know what I mean? Your brain just can’t quite deal with the surprise and so it freaks out a little bit.  

Watching it last night it honestly felt like a dream6. Admittedly that was, at least in part, because we watched it in the wee early hours of the morning. But it was more than that. Like a dream it leapt all over the place and went too quickly. I was confused and more than a little disorientated. It seemed to make some kind of sense at the time but not a kind of sense I could really grasp. 

The Doctor’s sudden and shocking death didn’t really affect me. Like when something really serious happens in a dream but you can’t react. Like when someone gets killed and you know you should cry but there’s no emotion there. That moment should have been punch in the gut material. But it wasn’t. 

I have no doubt the Moff will pull this off.7 He’s going to pull it off in ways I can’t even begin to imagine but right now…I’m not really sure how I feel about it. I’m all for delayed gratification but can’t we have some honey and magic as well? 

1- Yes, spine tingling characterisation. Like as in so good it gave me chills. Shut up. It makes sense. 

2- Assuming of course you weren’t already sleeping with the lights on for fear of Vashtaverada. 

3-Moff has sacrificed the right to make throw away references during diary checks. Diary checks are established plot points now. Its his own fault.

4-My life could do with a little more warm honey and magic. 

5-Does anyone actually get my Press Gang references? I’m not going to stop making them or anything, just curious. 

6- Like those dreams that are just an imaginary episode of Doctor Who? Everyone dreams whole episodes of Doctor Who right?

7- I know he will because Moffat is God and Moffat knows all. 

PS- I have the ability to delete comments. I shall use this ability on both spoilers and smug ‘one episode ahead’ remarks. You have been warned. 

PPS- Also- that annoying ‘my name is Amelia Pond’ bullshit before the credits?! WHAT WAS THAT?! I felt like I was having my intelligence raped. Or at least seriously insulted. If that was just for the sake of the bloody Americans they can damn well catch up on the last 50 years* of Doctor Who like everyone else in the known world had to. 

*So its not QUITE 50 years yet. Close enough.