Hank Green on Adam Hills Tonight

A couple of weeks ago Hank Green was interviewed on Adam Hills Tonight. The interview made me feel uncomfortable for a number of reasons. Below is an email I've sent to the ABC about it. My friend Lizzy suggested I also share it here, so here it is.

To whom it may concern,

I am writing in regard to the interview with Hank Green which aired on Adam Hills Tonight on the 3^rd of July.

Firstly, I’d like to say that I enjoy the show. I think it’s been a great platform for issues and a showcase of local and international talent. Often the questions which guests are asked are the right ones and interesting and thought-provoking answers are the result.

It is because of this that I was extremely disappointed by your treatment of John and Hank Green and the community which is Nerdfighteria.

I am proud to call myself a Nerdfighter but I didn’t relate at all to your portrayal of the community. It seemed like shallow fan-service (and pretty inadequate fan-service at that) which pivoted on the mockery of nerds. I though your treatment of Hank and John Green was confusing and disrespectful. Their achievements were barely mentioned and, when they were, they were done so flippantly and with disregard.

Let me tell you what the Green brothers mean to me.

I understand the world better because of them. That’s what they do: they encourage empowerment through knowledge. They present complicated issues in a clear and clever way that makes you want to go out and learn more. Aside from their main channel, which regularly tackles issues of world politics, sociology and global debate, they make and produce a number of educational channels. These deal with, among other things, world history, biology and sex education.

Being a nerdfighter is about making the world a better place. That’s what DFTBA means; it is never forgetting that you can be awesome, in the face of all the terrible things in the world. By arming ourselves with knowledge, confidence and community we can tackle the seemingly insurmountable terrors of the modern world. Nothing is hopeless.

The vlogbrothers have raised a staggering amount of money for charity, both through the annual Project for Awesome and through other work. The Nerdfighter group on Kiva has lent well over a million dollars to business owners in the developing world. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. This is a community that has made a tangible and real difference to the world. The vlogbrothers encourage their community to care about the world around them and to try and make a difference when they think that something could be better. We’re always being told that a single person can change the world but I don’t think I really believed that before I discovered John and Hank.

Your portrayal of these brothers didn’t even come close to conveying the enormity of what it is they do. Hank Green is an entrepreneur, at the forefront of the digital landscape. He is genuinely and honestly trying to solve some of the problems that the digital world presents. As a young person working in the arts, I can’t tell you how important it is to know that someone is thinking about these problems. Hank gives me hope that one day there will be solutions. One day we’ll work out how to tackle internet piracy in a real way. One day there might be a global response to online issues. One day it might be feasible, as a creative, to make your money online.

Take DFTBA Records. Hank is personally responsible for an innovative independent record label that has put the content creators in direct contact with the people who want to support them. It has helped dozens of online musicians make a real living from their music. Many of these people fall outside the mainstream but have found a way to make money.

I genuinely think that we will be looking to the vlogbrothers very soon and that their ideas and their innovations will inform the future.

Then there’s John Green, who on top of everything else, is a New York Times bestselling author, something you casually failed to mention. He is famous and successful beyond the vlogbrothers brand. John Green articulates things better than almost anyone I’ve ever encountered. The reason The Fault in Our Stars has been such a huge success internationally (another thing that was never mentioned) is that it is an incredible book. He’s a great writer. I also think his decision to take paternity leave after the birth of his daughter was a pretty admirable one.

On another note, his wife is a very successful curator working at a major art gallery. By suggesting she was somehow an idiot for having children with John belittled her. She has never appeared in a vlogbrothers video but I admire and respect her. She’s always seemed like an amazing, inspiring woman and I thought that the throw-away reference to her being dumb enough to have sex with a nerd was pretty disrespectful.

I’ve lost count of the times when I have looked to the vlogbrothers. On numerous occasions they have restored my faith in humanity. When London was burning during the riots and the global economy seemed poised on the brink of collapse and I felt like the whole world was sliding into chaos, they were the people who made me remember that there is good in the world. When an international disaster happens, they are the people I turn to for explanation and analysis. And sometimes I’m just sad, because sometimes life is hard, and they’ll make a video that cheers me up and gives me the will to go back outside and forge ahead.

John and Hank Green are an inspiration to me and to thousands and thousands of young people across the world. They are at the forefront of their (numerous) fields and have fostered a community of people who might just change the world. I think it’s a real shame you missed the opportunity to explore that on the show.

Regards,

Alexandra Neill

This blog is largely neglected these days. To read more of my stuff, including a 50th Anniversary Doctor Who rewatch, head over to Adventures in TV-Land.

Foreshadowing

This post contains a large number of theories concerning Doctor Who. It therefore contains spoilers.

I have a lot of thoughts about Doctor Who. I have therefore complied a large number of them in one place for your reading pleasure. And so if any of my theories turn out to be right, I can prove I guessed because I put it on the internet. This mainly applies to the last theory.

The Arc Fleet

The Beast Below hinged on the idea that the earth was evacuated sometime during the 29th century because of a giant mutant star goat (or solar flares, whatever).  Starship UK is just one of the arc ships which carried the population to safety. In Asylum of the Daleks, the ship which crashes on the Asylum is called “Alaska”. They make something of a big deal about the ship being called Alaska in fact. What if that’s not just a random name? What if The Alaska is another arc ship? There’s also a line in dinosaurs which mentions a “ship the size of Canada”. Possibly not the Canada you’re thinking of.

Light Bulbs

Every episode so far has featured a flickering light bulb. There was the one in Amy’s dressing room during episode 1, the broken fitting at the Pond’s place in episode 2 and basically every single electric light in episode 3. Plus, The Doctor was finally changing the bulb of the TARDIS in Pond Life #5. You know what other episode have flickering lights in them? The ones with Weeping Angels.

Christmas

This theory bought to you by my boyfriend and sub-editor who has noticed that all three episodes so far feature a reference to Christmas and thinks that this might mean something. Thus:
7.1
The Doctor- "It's Christmas!"
7.2: 
Rory- "I don't have a Christmas list."
The Doctor- "I do!"
7.3
The Doctor- "Someone's been peaking at my Christmas list!"
This is clearly foreshadowing Christmas. Or something.

Doctor WHO

The Doctor seems to be slowly erasing himself from existence. Oswin made the daleks forget him and then in Dinosaurs, the computer had no record of his existence. On the one hand, we know that The Doctor has been intentionally trying to lie low also we're not entirely sure how much of the universe thinks he's dead following Silencio. But what if there’s more to it than that? We still don’t really know what happened with the cracks. Silence hasn’t fallen yet. And we know that that cracks in the skin of the universe suck things from existence. Given that The Doctor's identity is looking like the whole point of next year, it's pretty interesting that he's losing his.

Make them remember you
When they're in the Parliament of the Daleks, The Doctor turns to Amy and says "make them remember you". This line is almost totally without context. At the end of the episode, Oswin breaks the forth wall to implore us to "remember".  The Silence make us forget. The cracks made Amy forget Rory. The alternate universe made Rory forget Amy. There's an awful lot of forgetting going on. But what is it that we need to REMEMBER?

Time skip

There’s a lot of time gaps in the last few seasons. There’s the time between A Christmas Carol and the start of season 6. There’s the gap between River poisoning The Doctor in Let’s Kill Hitler and him emerging from the TARDIS in a tux. Not to mention the multitude of gaps in series 7.  The Doctor has aged several hundreds years in the last two seasons (according to him anyway). Either this is simply Moffat correcting the fact that The Doctor didn't actually age at all during the Davies era or he's keeping some secrets from us (and from the Ponds).

Never let him see you age

So I’m pretty sure someone in a promo somewhere said to Amy “Never let him see you age.” In fact I’m pretty damn sure it was River. Now apparently I imagined this and no one ever actually said that in a promo in which case I am just physic. Every episode so far has featured something about the Ponds getting older. It’s mostly just Amy flat out saying she is old. The Doctor clearly doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like to see their mortality. This is clearly foreshadowing. Or just shadowing.
(If you remember someone saying this in ANY trailer please get in touch because all my friends think I'm crazy).

Just this once everybody lives!

I am pretty sure that the Ponds are not going to die. The reason for this is simple and it is this- Steven Moffat’s entire career thus far. Moffat has never killed anymore. Not a main character. And even the people he does kill, die in remarkably humane ways. I don’t think he’ll kill Amy or Rory. The current theory is that both of them will be sent back in time by the angels. We already know that an incarnation of River was living in New York in the 60s. Them being sent back in time would be zarking TRAGIC but in a happy/sad sort of way because they’d get to raise their child.

The rest of our lives
Having said that, I’m a little concerned by the parallels which seem to be emerging between Doctor Who and Press Gang. The ‘rest of our lives’ line is still haunting me. I can’t help thinking there’s an undertone of dreams in this series. And dreams always lead my mind to… I can’t say anything about Press Gang for those who are still watching it (or haven’t yet) but for those who’ve seen the end… yeah. I’m worried he might do that again.

The Dreamlord

There’s actually a prequel to Aslyum of the Daleks. You might not have seen it because hasn’t really been advertised. Which is weird. What’s even weirder is that, unlike pretty much every mini-episode ever, it isn’t all jolly and whimsical. This doesn’t feel like a throw away extra. It feels big. Somehow the fact that this is a dream message seems ominous. I still think that The Dreamlord (from Amy’s Choice) was passed over a little too quickly. Not that I think he’s coming back, but the idea that the person who hates The Doctor most is actually The Doctor himself is such a powerful idea. I wonder too whether that might link The God Complex and The Doctor’s greatest fear. When he opens that door he says “of course it would be you”. What if his greatest fear is actually himself?

And then he woke up, and it was all a dream

All of which leads us rather nicely to my BIG theory!
The Doctor is actually a Dalek who dreams of a normal humanoid life. His entire existence to date has been the pathetic delusions of a deranged mind. The reason he’s constantly fighting the Daleks is because, like Oswin, he’s battling his Dalek subconsciousness. The reason he can never beat the Daleks despite trying REALLY REALLY hard is that he can never truly defeat his true nature. Plus whenever he dies in his imaginary adventures he just comes back as a different guy because THIS IS MY DREAM AND I DO WHAT I WANT. Asylum of the Daleks is foreshadowing the fiftieth anniversary when it turns out the answer to the ultimate questions (Doctor WHO?) is actually DALEK.

Asylum of the Daleks

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS!

This morning I woke up at 4:58am. That is just nuts. We woke my brother up by way of sonic screwdriver, made tea and settled ourselves on the lounge. We watched Doctor Who and then we made pancakes and ate them in the sun.

I was sceptical about this whole iView thing. But I loved this morning.

iView turned out to be kind of excellent. First of all the ABC’s servers didn’t crash, which I thought might happen. Plus the picture quality was actually really decent. Massive kudos to the ABC for orchestrating the whole thing, and doing it RIGHT.

One of the things that makes me mourn the decline of broadcast television is the loss of the shared viewing experience. One of my favourite things about TV is the collective building of excitement and the ongoing speculation. There was something so special about arriving at school on a Monday morning and yelling at each other about Doctor Who. I miss that. I miss everyone falling in love with shows at the same time.

Today, Doctor Who was basically a global experience. There are an awful lot of countries that are going to be, LEGALLY, watching the new episodes within hours of each other. That’s kind of great.

There’s something really amazing about getting to be in the thick of the whole Doctor Who experience for the first time in years without sacrificing my morals.

And what a year to be in the thick of.

I loved Asylum of the Daleks. I thought it was just the right mix of warm honey, magic and gung-ho action. There was romance and drama and suspense and funny bits and sad bits and EVERYTHING.

The fact that Jenna Louise Coleman (henceforth know as J-Lo) is in this episode was kept spectacularly under wraps. That was such a wonderful surprise. I loved her character too. Clara (I’m calling her Clara, even though she was Oswin in this episode) is going to have such massive shoes to fill and it looks like she might actually pull it off.

The soufflé part was beautiful. I loved that she took that seed of doubt and uncertainty and made it into soufflés. She turned Dalek into human. With nothing but hypothetical eggs.

I’ve got no idea where Steven Moffat is going to take it from here. The obvious thing is that he’ll travel backwards along Oswin/Clara’s personal timeline and meet her before she crashed on the Asylum. But somehow that’s all a little too River Song. It’s too simple and… I just don’t think that’s what they’ll do. For some reason I sort of like the idea of there being two of her. Maybe that’s a hangover from my “River is Lintilla” theory (which never really took off because no one really understood the complicated cross-references involved and also it was stupid).

My favourite theory is one Alex and his friend Ian came up with – the new companion is actually a Dalek. So everything that happens involves her being a human in her imagination and a Dalek in reality. This would be very hilarious and cool.

But before we meet Clara/Oswin for real, we have to say goodbye to the Ponds.

Rory: How long can we wait for him?

Amy: For the rest of our lives.

Anyone who’s familiar with Press Gang will know that “the rest of my life” is an awfully loaded and inherently tragic phrase. I really hope it’s not foreshadowing.

That line right there gave me an awful lot of Spike and Lynda feels. I’ve never really noticed the parallels between Amy and Rory’s relationship and Spike and Lynda’s but now they’re there, clear as day, and I’m really unsure where Moffat is going to take them. Having addressed the tension in their relationship so beautifully, I really hope they run with it.

I cried a bit when Amy talked about not being able to have kids. What did happen to Amy at Demon’s Run? We don’t know. Not really. But her infertility hints at all sorts of horrors. The Doctor hasn’t exclusively been a blessing in their lives. You could argue that he hasn’t been a blessing at all. I get the feeling they’ll be a lot more crying before Moffat is done with us.

On top of all that we’ve got this huge thing of The Doctor being wiped from the Dalek mainframe. Seriously guys. THAT IS SO HUGE. It raised the issue that The Doctor’s reputation is a destructive force. The Daleks are more powerful for their hatred of him. Is he constantly saving the human race from enemies that he himself has helped create?

The Doctor said “Doctor who?” for only the second time in this episode (Let’s Kill Hitler was the first). I still think that him saying it is more important than anyone else uttering the words. It isn’t simply the phrase that will cause silence to fall, it’s the question. The actual question. Which no one really asks. Doctor WHO? The Doctor himself saying it is a contradiction to his usual denial. He ignored the question because it can’t be asked.

What Moffat has done is set the series up magnificently. He’s addressed a lot of things that have only been hinted at before now, suggesting that there’s a lot more stuff to come. The last two series have been loaded with a lot of awful loose ends and it’s starting to look like an awful lot of those will be tied up by the end of next year.

SPECULATION CORNER:

The issue of Matt’s regeneration, and when that will happen, is still a contentious and difficult one. Thing is we just don’t know what the deal is. BUT there’s another big change that looks like it might be on the horizon – a new show runner. While there’s no official word of this, I think it’s pretty unlikely that Moffat will stay beyond next year. He’s done his dash, written a mammoth story arc and once it’s finished I think he’d actually be ready to bow out. At the moment we’ve got two theories about who’ll take over-

Mark Gatiss.

Chris Chinball. 
More to come on this later.

WANTED- one interdimensional cabin

Sometimes I wish I could travel to a secret cabin in another universe to watch Doctor Who. Doctor Who wouldn’t exist in our universe and I’d just go to the cabin and watch it free from distraction or interference. I would also have a special robot which would simply nod while I told it all my theories. It would probably be called Moffat. Watching Doctor Who in the real world is stressful.

Sometimes I think I actually love Doctor Who too much. I passed the point of regular, sane fandom some time ago and I think I’m just spiralling downward toward the 50^th anniversary.

I’ve had the feeling for weeks that the ABC had something up their sleave. I thought maybe we were going to get season 7 fast tracked. In a lot of ways we are I guess. But I’m really not sure how I feel about it all.

In case you’ve been avoiding all other webpages in order to get your information exclusively from yours truly- this year’s episodes of Doctor Who will be available on iView at 5am every Sunday – immediately after they air in the UK. They will air on ABCTV a week later, at 7:30pm from September 8^th.

I should, theoretically speaking, be completely ecstatic about this. We, Australia, are getting Doctor Who mere minutes after it finishes airing in the UK. That’s exciting.

Am I excited?

Sort of.

I guess.

I honestly think streaming is the answer. I’ve thought that for a long time. If obtaining content legally is actually easier than getting it illegally, evidence suggests that people will avoid piracy (even if, heaven forbid, they have to pay). My dream (if I can’t have old fashioned TV, which I think we can agree – I can’t) is a global streaming network. In my dream world everyone, no matter where they live, gets content at the same time. You pay a subscription fee, and maybe a little extra to watch special things. That money trickles back down to the content producers. Everyone gets TV when they want it and the people who deserve to get paid, get paid. There’s quite a lot of stuff standing in the way of this dream but I honestly think I could see it in my lifetime.

iView is one of the global frontrunners as far as online streaming goes. I remember when the ABC launched the service a few years ago I read an article saying that it was so far ahead of the curve that it was going to take several years for internet connections to catch up. Remember in the dark days before online catch-up? When a VHS malfunction could ruin your whole day? My childhood was traumatic. iView is great.

Watching Doctor Who on iView counts too. I know I’m one of the seven people outside the TV industry who care about ratings, but going on record as having supported a specific show by taking the time to watch it, excites me. I don’t usually get to go on record simply by watching TV because I don’t have a landline or a people meter.¹ Every single time something is streamed online that data is recorded as the digital part of official ratings.

I definitely think this move is a step in the right direction. The TV nerd in me is really excited. I think it’s properly fantastic.

But the thing is… given the choice between watching Doctor Who on iView and watching it on TV, I would usually choose TV. Hands down. Given the choice between watching anything on a laptop and watching it on a television, I’m going to choose the TV. Especially if I’m watching said thing for the first time. Especially if said thing is Doctor Who.

iView doesn’t address a lot of the reasons I usually choose to wait. I choose the wait because I want to watch Doctor Who, the most important show in all of creation, in high definition. I love the ritual of Doctor Who. I plan my day around it. I make TARDIS pie and dance around my kitchen to Chameleon Circuit. I eat dinner at 7pm and I’m in front of the TV at 7:25. I watch the weather on the ABC. At 8:15pm I’ll usually text beccamarsh, or she’ll text me. I guess this all makes me sound a little bit unstable in the mental department, and maybe I am, but Doctor Who means a lot to me. The ritual of it really matters.

So the TV obsessive in me is less excited.

Maybe I just need a new ritual. Maybe that means getting up at 5am every Sunday. Maybe that means watching it at 7:30pm on Sunday nights, exactly like I usually would only a week early. Maybe that means waiting anyway. Maybe it means getting a cabin and another dimension and a robot.

I’m not sure I’ve decided yet.

I'm going to try and write a weekly blog this year. Plus I'd like to talk a bunch about the infinite number of theories I have for next year. If you harass me, I am more likely to do this. 

1- It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what a people meter* is. Or what a landline is. I think they probably need to rethink how they record ratings…

* Owning a people meter is basically my dream**.

** I am a bit of a loser, yes.***
*** My boyfriend and sub-editor wrote this footnote without my permission. He is the loser.

Jumping Sharks

This post contains minor spoilers for Misfits season 3.

Quite high on the list of phrases I don't get to say often enough is this one- "jumping the shark."
For those of you not up on your slightly obscure TV jargon, the term refers to the moment in a television franchise when you stop believing it. When something so totally ridiculous happens that you can't suspend disbelief any more. It’s the moment when a show once and for all looses credibility.
(Here’s a fun fact- the origin of the term is an episode of Happy Days when Fonzie literally jumped over a shark on a jet ski.)

I’ve always been a little sad that I couldn’t list a specific example of the phenomena. The moment in Doctor Who when The Master started shooting Sith lightening and jumping over rubbish tips came close, but then Moffat came along and made Doctor Who good again. There were no significant sharks jumped.  Its hard to sound like an obnoxious TV-nerd without examples.
Be careful what you wish for.

Misfits is a great show. I remember watching series 1 and thinking “Wow. This is actually something NEW.” Along with Life on Mars, Ashes to Ashes and Being Human, it marked what seemed like a new genre. A kind of super-real super-natural drama. Gritty and unbelievable all at once. And I was EXCITED by that. When Robert Sheehan (who played Nathan) announced he was leaving at the end of series 2 I was as sad as the next fan-girl. I had that feeling. That awful creeping feeling that they should stop. That the show should cut its looses and quit while it was ahead.

Thing is I’ve thought that a lot. The moments when a show surprises you and is GOOD when you are so convinced it will be bad, are the reason I watch TV. Misfits was that kind of show from the very beginning. So I had faith. And the beginning of series 3 showed promise. I liked Rudy. I liked that he almost, but not quite, replaced Nathan. I was intrigued to see what our (anti)heroes would do with their new powers.

Then it happened.
That Hitler episode. If you’ve seen series 3 of Misfits, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Now I like a good bit of time travel. And some people will quote me out of context as saying I like Hitler. But WHAT THE HELL. There was not a moment of this episode I believed. When it was over I wanted quite desperately to retcon the whole thing from my brain and pretend it never happened. Its like that quote from Sherlock- you believe the lie because it is wrapped in a layer of truth.
Misfits had just discarded the flimsy shiny outside wrapper and the boiled lolly underneath looked awfully like someone had sucked on it and dropped it on the ground a few times.

So in the next episode when they DISCONNECTED A GIRL FROM LIFE SUPPORT and transported her to the COMMUNITY CENTRE in the BACK OF A CAR. I couldn't just ignore that blatant disregard for logic. Don't even get me started on that episode with the zombies and the iguana.

I’m still watching Misfits. And I want to like it, I really do. But its lost me. Its hard to say if the scripts and the acting is the same as it ever was. It certainly doesn’t FEEL that way. But what’s really changed is me. I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to know how Simon becomes future Simon. I don’t care if Kelly lives happily ever after with The Powers Man. I don’t care if Curtis ever manages to get a decent power or some proper character development.
I. Just. Don’t. Care.

I’ll keeping watching though. Partly out of misguided optimism. Partly out of loyalty to a once amazing show. Mostly because I wouldn’t put it past Misfits to cut their loses and throw in an actual shark. And I wouldn’t want to miss that.

Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief...

This post is a response to this post by Hank Green

There is definitely a certain amount of prestige which surrounds downloading.

I chose to watch Sherlock illegally. That wasn’t a decision I chose lightly and it isn’t something I think I’ll ever do routinely. I will champion the legal watching of television with my dying breath. Sherlock was the exception. I’ll still wait to watch Doctor Who, hiding resolute in my spoiler proof bunker. I watched Sherlock that way because I honestly felt like it was my only choice.

One of my main reasons for watching TV the legal way wherever I can is that one day I want to work in TV. It seems ridiculous to buy into a culture that many believe is killing the industry. I don’t think this is necessarily the case, the popularity of television is far from failing, but I do think that the internet has the potential to change to way we watch TV. And that could be very scary indeed.

Despite the various people screaming in defiance, I think I agree with Hank. There is a prestige to downloading. A certain allure. It is so easy to feel excluded when all the people around you (both actually and virtually) are championing one way of viewing (oh the joys of watching a download bar!) while you remain firm to another (sitting in front of a TV at an allocated time). I agree that it isn’t JUST the quality of the programming that leads people to download. If everyone is tormenting something it must be good right? It must be worth the effort?

I think this has produced a culture where local shows are looked down on. More and more people will tell you they “don’t watch TV”. What they mean by that, of course, is that they don’t watch TV on TV.

Right now the ABC is going through a pretty amazing stage. The shows which are being produced in Australia have suddenly soared in quality. The production values, script writing, acting, everything, is at an international standard. For the first time I can remember, I am more excited about what my own country is producing than what’s going on anywhere else in the world.
I’ll admit that Australia has never made Sherlock or Doctor Who. But I loved Laid and I’m quickly falling in love with Outland. I watched The Slap with the rest of the nation (you can tell a show is really popular when, instead of live tweeting it, your Twitter feed goes totally dead the minute it starts). I plan to make myself free when Dance Academy comes back on and every Wednesday night (seriously- Woodley, Gordon St Tonight, Outland. That is a line-up I'd become a social recluse for).

What makes me sad is that people don’t torrent local content. I know you CAN (I’m reliably informed you can torrent anything) but without the kind of hype big international releases get, how are people going to know what to look for? There’s a kind of stigma around local shows- ‘But that was made here. Why would that be any good?’

Is there anyone, anywhere is the world who torrents our shows? And if the answer is ‘no, not really’ does that make them less legitimate?

The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause

Late last year, while camping, some friends and I spend a pleasant rainy evening composing a list of qualities which ideal males should have.1 This list contained obvious things such as “a sense of humour” and “literacy”2 but it also featured more niche qualities like “able to play a musical instrument” and “super powers”.
The most significant thing about this list3 is that it coined what I now refer to as “The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause”

The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause makes reference to two specific qualities on the list, which are-
- has own space ship
(and)
- not a douche
The interesting thing about these two points is that the former actually has the ability to trump the later.
If a guy is in possession of a space ship, he is able to be a douche and still win ones affections. The level of douche counteracting power a space ship has is in direct proportion to the availability of spaceships in any given situation.

Basically The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause answers that age old question-
Why did Trillian go with Zaphod?
In this situation (a party in Islington) spaceships are extremely rare. A guy who is not a complete douche4 arrives with a very particular trump card (The Heart of Gold).
Of course she went with him.
Fucking spaceship.5

To celebrate the International Day of Chocolate and Over-Priced Roses, here's how Zaphod would go about getting a girl.
And if you’re a nice guy without a space ship- don’t worry. You don’t need a clause to be in with a chance.
Happy Valentine’s peeps.


                            Fictional Pick-up Lines- The Zaphod Beeblebrox Edition


Hold the phone! This is a face in a million! Does perfection have another name?


If I followed you home would you keep me?


When Zarquon made you baby he made a laser beam…and he set you on stun!


I’d grow back my third arm for you. 


Oh baby you make me see stars! How ‘bout I show you some planets?


What’s say we made like alosamarian polar bears and break the ice?


We gotta go, before you have to be back in heaven. 


1- I understand this is a cringe-ish-ly teenage way for four young woman to spend time but it was raining, ok? Like there was a lot of rain. And we were in a tent. 
2- Literacy was embarrassingly far down the list.
3- Which will one day be readily available online somewhere.
4- He really isn't. Zaphod has the ability to be genuinely intelligent and charming. Zaphod is pretty BAMF really.
5- It doesn't hurt that Trillian has something of a soft spot for almost complete douches *coughcoughTHORcough*.

The fall

I have a theory.
(Yes, yes, yes. I know I have a lot of theories. But I’m pretty sure you come here with the express intention of reading about my hair brained theories so shut up and listen to my theory.)
I have this theory that Steve Thompson doesn’t actually exist.
This is based on a number of things. First of all, despite being the third Sherlock writer, his Wikipedia page is practically a stub. Second of all (and more importantly) when you type his name into Google images you get a lot of pictures of a creepy albino model dude who I’m pretty sure doesn’t spend his spare time going to cafes with Moffat and Gatiss. So my theory is that Steve Thompson is actually a pseudonym that Moffat and Gatiss have invented because everyone said they couldn’t POSSIBLY write all the episodes themselves and didn’t they have other things they should be doing like maybe making that Doctor Who thing that everyone likes so much? After the first series of Sherlock, they decided they’d give their “friend” “Steve” a little more creditability by letting him write an episode of Doctor Who. Except instead of writing it themselves, Moffat let his sons write it. Hence the good-intentions-but-ultimately-disappointing-resolution. So that’s my theory. I did say it was hair brained. I should possibly mention that I rather enjoy ‘Paul is dead (and also the walrus koo-koo-ka-choo)’ conspiracy theories.

Reichenbach rather lends itself to theories. Take this one-
Sherlock didn’t die because it wasn’t him who jumped.
Let me now allow you to debate this point. Given that you are a virtual reader, I will play both parts. You can be in bold.

But Sherlock was definitely standing on top of the building.
Ah yes! But John was quite a distance away and could possibly have mistake someone ELSE is a large flappy coat with striking features for Sherlock from that distance.
But they were talking on the phone.
The real Sherlock could have been out of sight and the fake one was just holding a phone and it was made to look like the real one via camera tricks.
But John saw Sherlock looking all bloody and dead and it was definitely him because DID YOU SEE THE CHECK BONES?
When John got hit by the bike, Molly and Sherlock rushed in and really quickly swapped the fake Sherlock for the real Sherlock who pretended very convincingly to be dead what with being a master of disguise and all.
Yeah but…John’s a doctor.
But, in fairness, he does have a habit of being pretty stupid sometimes. Did you see the way he opened the envolope containing mysterious powder someone just left on his doorstep despite several hired killers being ACTUALLY VISIBLE AT THE TIME. And also Molly possibly gave Sherlock some drugs that made him seem dead like they did that time in Romeo and Juliet.
So then the fake Sherlock jumped?
Yep.
So where did Sherlock get someone to pretend to be him while jumping off a building?
From Molly. Obviously.
And where did Molly get them?
The morgue. DUR!
So the fake Sherlock was…dead…all along and would possibly have difficulty pretending to talk on the phone and also jumping off buildings?
Well…yes.

All in all, our second theory is better. It goes like this-
Molly gave Sherlock some special Falling Off Building Drugs which allow one to survive blunt force trauma when leaping from great heights.

So basically all you're getting for today is theories. I also have a few pretty good ones about what John’s going to do when he finds out Sherlock isn't dead (hint- pitch a spaz) and who’s going to be married when the series comes back (hint- EVERYONE). But for now I have to go and read The Fault in Our Stars (which has already made me cry and I’m only up to chapter six) and write bad fan-fiction in my head while SHIPPING ALL THE SHIPS.

Damn I love Sherlock.

Hounds of Baskerville

Dashing

I suppose one of the main problems is that I loved Hound of the Baskervilles.

When I was trying to decide what the best book I read in 2011 was, the choice was pretty easy. The fact that I finished it a few days into January did make me a little depressed and gave me a feeling that I might have rather wasted 12 months of reading time. When I read Hound, I found myself stopping at the end of every chapter and putting the book down. This wasn’t because I didn’t want to keep reading, it was because I didn’t want it to end. I made that book last as long as I possibly could. I haven’t done that before or since.

It was always going to be hard for Sherlock (as wonderful as it is) to live up to that.
Did it?
Ok, not really.
Was it a frankly wonderful piece of television never the less?
Yes. Yes it was.

I’ve seen Belgravia four times now and every time I watch it I notice more canon jokes. There were some pretty clever ones in Hounds. The apparent light signing in Morse code and the pair in the inn with their giant dog. Quite a few times I thought “Aha! I see what they did there! They must be taking it in X direction from the book!” And then the story moved in a totally different direction and I was surprised. That was pretty great.
Most importantly, it had the essence of the original. Hound is a tale laced with superstition. It’s the case that makes Holmes question all the things he believes in. I think Benedict played that remarkably well.

Then there was all the homoerotic undertones (I can’t help thinking Gatiss ships that a bit more than Moffat does). And Benedict wearing THAT purple shirt while loping moodily through a graveyard. And Lestrade looking tanned and being called Greg.
I was not disappointed with the quantity of shots of Sherlock looking dashing atop large boulders. There was a reasonable number of those. Also moorland. These things are important.

So, the ending wasn’t totally satisfying but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t GOOD. I should probably go and watch it three more times. It was good enough to watch three more times (or fifty-three more times, which I inevitably will).

SPECULATION CORNER
By the time you read this, there’s a fair chance you’ll have already seen The Reichenbach Fall. Currently I’m waiting for beccamarsh to come over so we can watch it. I’ve been working myself into a state of moderate hysteria all week. It is looking increasingly likely that it will finish and go immediately to the dentist to talk about getting my wisdom teeth out.
And I will be a total emotional wreck.
I’m looking forward to that.
So basically its going to be TOTALLY FUCKING AWFUL. The problem is that is has the potential to be fucking awful in a number of different ways. Steve Thompson is writing this one. He’s best known for being the guy who wrote “the other one” in the last series. Also that episode of Doctor Who with the pirates and Kenny that contained about as many plot holes as a colander. I really want to think the best of him as a writer. I really, really do. But that pirate episode was a massive let down. So apart from being generally soul crushing it could also be…not as good. And I don’t know if I can bear that.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and stare at a download bar.

A Scandal in Belgravia

'I've never begged for mercy in my life.' 

A Scandal in Belgravia has proudly taken its place among that very special breed of television. The kind which provokes in me a reaction which can’t be articulated, which is made entirely of violent gestures and high pitched noises. In fact, after finishing it I spent about half an hour randomly collapsing against the lounge, hugging a pillow to by head and making pained, sobbing sounds. I also wept quietly into a cupboard and yelled at some soup.
I don’t think I have ever hated Steven Moffat as much as I hated him then.

I used to wonder what it was that made a masterpiece. An ok painting and a (supposedly) really fucking amazing painting look pretty much the same on paper. Then I realised. In the flesh its rather a different matter. You can see the masterpiece the second you walk into the room. It’s the painting that, despite all the others, draws your gaze. That emblazes itself into your memory and, for a second, takes your breathe away.
Put simply Belgravia is a masterpiece, in the truest sense of the word.

It is very, very hard to tell you how the episode make me feel. Probably because it made me feel All The Things.

Reading the original stories was worth it. It was worth it just for the way I squealed when Sherlock said “Speckled Blonde”. The first fifteen minutes or so were basically just Moffat having his own little Conan Doyle fan convention in the corner. And it was rather lovely to have enough fandom knowledge to afford a ticket.

There were so many moments. Staying Alive. Shut up Mrs Hudson. Mrs Hudson. Molly and her present and the awful, awful tension of Sherlock’s rant. Sherlock in a sheet. The ashtray. Moriarty. And Mycroft. AND THE VIOLIN. And the moment when I was totally convinced that the people in the plane were merely awaiting the shipment of small lemon soaked paper napkins and would wake up shortly to be served tea and biscuits. Just everything. The only times I wasn’t giggling manically or squealing hysterically I was holding my breathe or resiting the urge force quit the whole exercise before me brain actually exploded.

The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. And a blunt one at that. Now I like sexual tension as much as the next person. I would actually be willing to hazard that I probably like it slightly more than the average next person. But when it reaches such a level that it is actually physically painful you should really take a moment to think about what it is you’re inflicting on your audience.

Come to that I CAN’T SHIP THAT MANY PEOPLE AT A TIME DAMMIT! I can’t. My brain is not physically, emotionally or mentally able to sustain it. The worst part is (with the possible exception of Sherlock/Molly) its all canon.  I’ve just finished reading the original stories and you can’t go through that without coming to ship John/Sherlock pretty fucking hard. Arthur Conan Doyle shipped John/Sherlock. This is undeniable fact. If anyone told me a week ago that Sherlock/Adler would come very, very close to beating that I would have said “HA!” and read them the passage from The Return of Sherlock Holmes where Holmes and Watson hold hands.
But Adler bought something of a trump card to the table- I actually wanted it to happen. I don’t really want John and Sherlock to leap into bed together. I’m honestly not sure what I would do if they did. But MY GOD YOU TWO. I don’t care if John’s sitting right there! He’s got his laptop and an internet connection right? He can amuse himself for a while. JUST FUCKING HAVE ALL THE SEX RIGHT NOW PLEASE.

Those who know me even marginally well are aware that this isn’t the sort of thing I make a habit of saying. Certainly not in capital letters. I’m usually a fan of the implied. But Moffat has broken my brain and now I can’t stop wondering what happened when Irene and Sherlock were stuck in the middle of the desert together for an undisclosed period of time.

Now if you’ll all excuse me I think I need to take a little bit more time to try and recover before whatever fresh hell they have planned for next week.

SPECULATION CORNER!
The second episode is written by Gatisis and based on Hound of the Baskervilles. Hound is almost certainly my favourite Holmes story. It had me utterly, totally baffled right up until the last moment. Because the only possible explanation was a really fucking big dog. And seeing as how there obviously couldn’t be a really fucking big dog there was no possible way to account for all the factors. The way the Conan Doyle did was brilliant. It blew me away. I am, needless to say, ridiculously excited to see how Gatisis is going to twist it. The beauty of Sherlock lies in its ability to surprise and delight those who haven’t read the stories AND those who know them back to front. There are almost no adaptations that can claim that. What makes the expectation rather more tense is the title-

The Hounds of Baskerville

Who would have thought that moving one little word and putting an S in the wrong place could be so totally intriguing. I am excite.

Cheating

I find it occasionally disconcerting the things that I’m known for. Among these numerous peculiarities (which I should probably blame myself for sprouting around the internet) I am That Chick Who Waits a Whole Week to Watch Doctor Who.

I’ve explained numerous times (once on a panel with Lawrence Leung and Dominic Knight in front of a room full of people) why this is something I swear by and why I think that its important. Most of you know my reasons and respect them, even if hardly anyone seems to understand them. This isn’t the time to rehash all that.
This is a time to tell you about the exceptions.

Don’t get me wrong. I remain a firm believer in the Proper Viewing of Quality Television. I’m not about the hang up my hat and become a pirate.
In forty years time when everyone is watching TV-on-demand streamed straight to their inbuilt brain computers, I’ll be That Woman Who Still Owns a Television. As in days gone by, neighbourhood children will cluster into my lounge room to marvel at the technology. And I can make them all coconut ice and lemonade and they’ll gather around to hear tell of the Marvellous Television back in The Good Old Days. I’m obviously assuming the role of Liz Lemon style crazy spinster in this scenario. We all may as well get used to the idea.

But there will always be exceptions, loopholes in my own code of conduct which occasionally allow the bending of rules. To give you an example, I watched Closing Time four days early. I can hear your gasps and cries of “hypocrite!” from here. But let me take you through the reasoning. That weekend was This is Not Art, a festival which readers of my main blog will be more than familiar with. I knew I’d be talking to people who love the show but who I rarely get to talk to. I knew a lot of them would have seen it. I knew I’d be out having a good time on the night it actually aired.  I thought long and hard about it. And then I watched it early.
I didn’t enjoy it. Honestly. It just wasn’t the same and I rather regretted the decision (at least until my DVR decided only to tape the first 15 minutes of it, the bastard). Its not an experience I think I want to repeat.

Let me present you with a rather more taxing problem- Sherlock.
Here are the factors at play.
1- Channel Nine are showing no signs of putting Sherlock on soon. The first series rated extremely well and, as I feared, it looks like they might be holding it back for rantings season. Which is ages away. At least a month after it airs in the UK.
2- Channel Nine will show it with ads. If the ABC had acquired Sherlock this whole thing would be a rather different matter. But I’m not sure I can stand to watch it with ads. Not if I have to wait as well.
3- The areas of the internet I frequent are rather in love with Sherlock. The longer I wait the more Spoiler Danger I’m going to find myself in. Not to mention the amount of people IRL who I’ve introduced to it and who will want to talk about the new series, having promptly downloaded it.
4- I’ve just finished working my way through the original stories (yes, ALL OF THEM) and I love them. I’m absolutely DYING to see how Moffat will do Adler, if Gatisis can do justice to Hound and whether That Other Guy will pull off Reichenbarch. Spoilers are a big deal here. A BIG DEAL. Even little ones.
5- We’ve waited far too long already.

Having said that I still WANT to watch it properly. I want to see that frankly spectacular cinematography (and those MOORS) in full high definition and I want to wait a WHOLE week between episodes. But those aren’t trump cards. When the first series aired I watched it on a TV so grainy I couldn’t read the onscreen texts and, in all their infinite wisdom, Channel Nine showed the episodes on Sunday, Monday and then the following Sunday. A frankly ludicrous thing to do.
So I’m left with rather a conundrum. To Cheat or not to Cheat?

So (SPOILERS!) I'm Cheating. I've weighed up all the factors and, for once, the side of evil has won. I've taken into account the fact that I'll probably never live this down. I'm prepared for that. There will probably be blogs because- Sherlock. If you haven't seen the episode in question DON'T READ THE BLOG. I will lynch you for ruining such majesty.

I suppose this just goes to show that, given the right amount of chiselled jaw bone, sensational writing and homoerotic subtext, even I can be persuaded to betray the things I believe in.

Cancel all plans

There is only one word for the 2012 ABC line-up and it is this- epic.

You should probably just cancel any plans you had for next year now. It’ll save you a lot of those awkward moments when you have to wiggle out of a social outing in order to stay inside and watch TV. People just don’t understand.

Here, because I know you need my help to make up your minds, are my thoughts on the show reel.

The Straits- I have no idea what this is about, except a geographical grounding. I remain unconvinced.
Rake- was good. More Rake equals more good.
Mabo- I did Year 10 history. I understand why this is exciting. Plus it looks kind of great.
Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries- Where did all these super high production values come from? Have the ABC started laundering money or something?
Hurrah documentaries!
First of all, art based reality TV (that rarest of rare breeds) is awesome.
Secondly- William McInnes! Why are you hosting that auction show?!
Nice to see the ABC ensuring Myf’s continued employment.

I could write a whole post about the comedy line-up alone. You never know, I still might.
Outland- A show about a gay science fiction club? I am optimistic.
Woodley- There are very few ways in which this could be bad. Frank Woodley. Dressed as a giant egg. This will not be bad.
Laid- Laid was one of my TV highlights of this year. Which is saying something in a year so full of good TV. I’ve been tracking series 2 in a way I can’t remember following a local show before. I’m pretty pumped. In case you hadn’t noticed.

Kitchen Cabinet- You can’t deny it has a rather large novelty factor.
Dirk Gently- There will be rants about this. You can bet your first born on it. It’s been out for about a year now. I haven’t tracked it down due to rather serious misgivings. I’m a huge Adams fan (*coughcoughUNDERSTATMENTcough*) and the reviews weren’t exactly glowing. There is no Monk. The door is not red. I reserve judgement.
ABC2 shows some rather odd things don’t they? Is that a show about dwarfs? Really?

Now I understand that this is the point where us adults should stop watching. But-
Dance Academy! Judge me at your leisure. I shall be rushing home from university to watch this.
Although I probably can’t say the same for the show about Irish dancing.

And ABC4Kids will keep showing kids shows and ABC24 will keep showing news.

Excellent! Brovo! Standing ovation! Etc!

And while we’re here, something that won’t be on the ABC…
Everyone seems to be keeping Sherlock under pretty tight wraps. The preview screening of A Scandal in Belgravia is happening like RIGHT NOW so I can only assume that its pretty much done. The BBC has tentatively suggested a January airdate but we still have no proper preview and a few measly promo picks. Put simply- someone is doing a damn good job. If television was measured in fan-base per second of footage, Sherlock would be up there with the great cult heroes. Riling that fan-base to a fever pitch of hysterical excitement can only be good for ratings. Less is most certainly more.

I can only speculate about when we’ll get in Australia (not that most of you pirate fiends care). Nine is currently repeating the first series (always a good sign) and Sherlock features prominently in their “COMING IN 2012!!!!” (much less subtly than our ABC) trailer. Whether they’ll fork out to fast track it or wait until ratings season starts up again is anyone’s guess.

Put simply- 2012 is going to be a good year to stay indoors.

Come here often?

In which Alex continues to document her growing obsession with pick-up lines from works of fiction. 

Surprise scones.

In a place like this you move to the atmosphere.
Press Gang
Press Gang, as astute readers may have noticed, is so completely littered with wonderful pick-up lines that its basically a ‘how to guide’. It also furnishes fans with a series of slightly ridiculous romantic fantasies. Like the one about playing trivial pursuit. And an irrational desire to slow dancing without music.

Because life is short and you are hot.
Doctor Who- Blink
Seriously, how is it that Steven Moffat does not get all the girls? Unlike many of the other example in these posts, this is a proper pick-up line of the I-went-to-this-pub-and-all-I-got-was-this-random-chick kind. Bonus points if, immediately after delivering it, you get transported into the past by homicidal statues.

Are you a friend of Nigel’s?
48 Shades of Brown
It is a little known fact that if you want to learn more about how my mind works you need only read the collected works of Australian author Nick Earls. This may seem like something of a nothing pick-up line. If, however, you coupled it with spontaneously handing over a Chuppa-Chup, you might just get the opportunity to vomit in my hair (just go read the book ok? Its excellent).

Can I pursue you now?
John Green
This is breaking the rules slightly because it is not, technically speaking, fictional. John Green actually used it to woe the Yeti. If the previous sentence made little or no sense to you I suggest you cancel any plans you had for the rest of the day and click here. John Green should also get all the girls.

Surprise cake.
All the rom-coms.
This isn’t so much a pick-up line as a pick-up action. You know in romantic comedies when one of the romantic leads makes the other romantic lead a romantic cake and then leaves it on their doorstep and runs away? Yeah. Why don’t people do that in real life? I could totally go for that. Its got the words “surprise” and “cake” in it. What’s not to like?

She wants to go out with you for texting and scones.
Doctor Who- The Wedding of River Song
Considering my favourite pick-up line of all time is both difficult to remember and obscure, I would happily settle for this one. This sounds like pretty much my ideal relationship. Anyone who likes texting, scones and Doctor Who has passed most of the main hurdles to my affections already.

Haters gonna hate

Last week I met a guy.

“Meet” is probably the wrong word. I was walking to class and happened upon a friend talking to a group of people I didn’t know. Said friend greeted me by pointing at the guy in question and yelling “Alex! He does not like Moffat!”

This guy then proceeded to inform me (a girl he hadn’t even been introduced to) his opinions on Steven Moffat. He believes, and I quote, that Steven Moffat is “sexist, racist and homophobic.”
I’ll give that a moment to sink in.

I’m no stranger to anti-Moffat opinions. If you spend any length of time looking at a particular subject online, you’re going to come across people who don’t like it. This goes doubly for someone who people feel they need to have strong feelings about. I will openly admit that, on reading things that people tweet at Steven Moffat or post about him on Tumblr, I occasionally have the desire to track down the offenders IRL and set their letter boxes on fire.

I was, it should be said, very restrained when I encountered this guy. I tried to present my counter arguments in a sane manner for a little while, realised this was fruitless and proceeded to excuse myself and walk away very quickly before I succumbed to the urge to ask him where he lived and whether or not he was in possession of a letter box. Sexist, racist AND homophobic? This guy was clearly was not in a right state of mind.

Now I can understand how some people misconstrue certain things and thus come to the conclusion that Moffat is sexist. Taken out of context some stuff he’s said in interviews could create that impression. He very clearly ISN’T sexist (Lynda Day is one of the most empowered and inspiring female characters ever to grace our screens) but I can forgive that misconception. However, saying that the various pro-gay references in series 6 (which serve to NORMALISE homosexuality in a way which should be applauded) are condescending anti-gay slurs (that’s right, he actually thought that) is stretching the point a bit. I can’t even begin to comprehend how he arrived at racist.

But I digress. I could spend any number of posts outlining the main flaws in this fundamentally flawed argument. I would, however, be preaching to the converted. Because a blind person could see that he’s wrong. That is not the point. The point is that Steven Moffat is not just some kind of vague conceptual entity who produces scripts without emotion. He’s a PERSON. A human being. A real one. And no one should be allowed to make those kind of comments about anyone. (Except maybe Tony Abbot. ZING! Political satire.)

Haters ignore this fundamental fact. They forget that directing their unbridled (and usually ignorant) rage at someone is not a socially acceptable thing to do. There is no situation where ripping someone to shreds like that is ok. I don’t care what some parts of The Internet think- its just not.
Which brings me to another point- The Internet.

Now one guys expressing his opinion to me is very different to that same guy writing his thoughts down on a blog and tweeting it at Steven Moffat himself. That is really, really not cool. You know that Flight of the Concords song? No? Hang on, I’ll find a YouTube link…there. That’s what I’m getting at here.

While I happily subscribe to the fangirl end of the spectrum, I’m not a hater. I can’t think of anyone I have the desire to out-poor my deep seated loathing for. Except maybe Mary Shelley but she’s dead. And she wrote that really rubbish book about mountains. I suppose maybe I’m a hater of Steven Moffat haters. Does that count?

Here’s the thing- I’ve been in a television studio for seven hours while a team of people slave over an hour long show only to have some idiot rip it apart on Twitter. I’ve seen the love and devotion which is invested in something even though its subsequently panned (this could easily have been a post in defence of Good News World). I don’t think people should be allowed to hate on anything without knowing the sweat, tears and sleepless nights which went into creating it.

So in conclusion- Steven Moffat…well he’s just this guy, you know?

Never too much of a good thing

In which we try to watch a lot of Doctor Who in a row.

CAST
Alex- who’s house it was and blog this is.
Celeste- who has an alarming but useful skill for unlocking Alex’s windows
Shona- Celeste’s friend. Non-Whovian. Down for the weekend being exposed to our wild social life.
Rachel- very ill.
Emma- slightly less ill.
Liv- not ill at all.

FRIDAY 26TH AUGUST

2:55pm- Go to shops and buy a pumpkin, two packets of jammie dodgers and the new Frankie. Am total hipster.
3:09pm- My front door bites my sonic screwdriver off my keys. No idea how to get it back on. The hell door?
3:54pm- Starting to think I shouldn’t cut up this pumpkin until there’s someone in the vicinity qualified in first aid.
4:01pm- Have minor celebration after cutting pumpkin in half without causing myself serious injury.
4:23pm- Others arrive. Proceed to sit around kitchen while I make pie.
5:38pm- Celeste is trying to reattach my screwdriver my soldering it. She is soldering it with a match.
5:52pm- Against all odds and using my kitchen scissors, Celeste re-attaches screwdriver.
7:28pm- TARDIS pie made, lounge folded out. Now to try and make the HDMI cable work.
7:35pm- Guess what? Its doesn’t work. Look at my astonishment.
7:47pm- We try to plug a USB into my DVR. It just says, and I quote, “Format noSupport.” I swear at it.
8:01pm- Now watching the episodes on Celeste’s laptop with my CD player plugged in via the AUX cable. Not ideal but I’ve got from episode four on my DVR.
8:03pm- Emma chooses this moment to inform us she just borrowed the DVDs from the library and could have bought them. Collective facepalm.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

8:12pm- The Doctor has just gone back in time.
Shona-“Is he the kid.”
Celeste- “Yes. The kid is Dumbledore.”
8:25pm- Enter super sexy Kasran.
Alex- “And you can never look at Micheal Gambon quite the same way ever again.”
8:33pm- Shona obviously getting emotional involved.
8:38pm- Shona- “That’s quite a kiss.”
9:16pm- End warm honey and magic. Begin confusion and mind bendy-ness.

THE IMPOSSIBLE ASTRONAUT 

9:24pm- Trying to work out the timelines. So this Doctor is at the same point as this River but River is beyond the other Doctor as of…oh god my head hurts.
9:25pm- He’s not 1003. He can’t be.
9:27pm- Watching The Doctor die is actually worse after seeing the rest of the series. Almost believe its real now.
Rachel-"EMOTIONS!”
9:28pm- When the Astronaut is going back into the water River says “of course not.” Why? What does that mean?
*THEORY INTERLUDE- it can’t be River in the spacesuit. Because the River in the spacesuit would have to be BEFORE the River on the beach chronologically. Which means that the River on the beach would know what’s going on and I really don’t think she does.* 
9:33pm- JIM THE FISH
9:37pm- Rachel has just got glasses to correct moderate to severe blindness
Rachel-“Have I mentioned how much better this is now that I can see his face?”
9:39pm- The genius of Moffat is that this is better now. Richer, deeper, more complex. How is that possible?
9:45pm- River must know. This is River’s childhood. The little girl IS River. River must know.
9:54pm- Alex Kingston is BLOWING MY MIND.
9:59pm- They’re in the warehouse-
Amy-“I’m pregnant.”
Astronaut child-*enters*
Alex-“speak of the devil”

DAY OF THE MOON

10:05pm- The Silence seems to be fairly tied up with the Astronaut child. Who we now know is River. Who is tied up with the eye patch woman…its all linked.
10:11pm- Discussing whether The Doctor knows there’s something wrong with Amy at this point.
Celeste-“Amelia you’re not quiet right.”
Rachel-“You’re made of yoghurt.”
10:14pm- RELEVANT QUESTION IS RELEVANT.
The Doctor- “They got the spacesuit from NASA but where’d they get the girl?”
10:21pm- Creepy orphanage guy says-“The child she must be cared for. Its important. That’s what they said.” Who are they?
10:24pm- Further discussion on Silence vs. Eye patch Woman.
Alex-“Is it possible she was kidnapped from her kidnappers?”
Celeste- “Its like a double negative. It messes with the brain.”
10:28pm- Trust Moffat to put all the mind bendy stuff in the FIRST TWO EPISODES.
The Doctor-“Tell me about the girl? Who is she? Why is she important? What is she for?”
10:41pm- When Rory’s watching River shot The Silence she says- “My old fella didn’t see that did he? He gets ever so cross?” First time ‘round I thought she meant The Doctor.
10:42pm- RIVER PLOT POINT ALERT- “I have a promise to live up to.”

THE CURSE OF THE BLACK SPOT

11:13pm- Lee Ross comes on screen. I’ve just introduced Rachel to Press Gang.
Alex-“KENNY! KENNY!”
Rachel- “Kenny!”
Celeste-“What?”
Alex- “Shhh! Celeste! Kenny’s face is on the screen! You’ll understand when you’re older.”
11:22pm- The plot holes. God the painful glaring plot holes. The unrealised potential of this episode hurts!
11:25pm- *gurblegarblegaah* What’s that? The sound of me drowning in cliches?
11:30pm- And the Kenny is gone. Why is the Kenny gone?
11:45pm- On Amy's resuscitation technique-
Celeste-"You're doing it wrong!"
Rachel-"She is so doing it wrong."
Alex-"You'd think The Doctor would be qualified to do this kind of thing. Or have a machine or something."
12:02am- Tired but determined. We’re halfway and its only midnight. *giggles in vaguely hysterical fashion*.

THE DOCTOR’S WIFE

12:06am- We’ve just switched to the TV. The annoying pre-credit sequence wasn’t on the “perfectly legal” BBC versions we’ve been watching. Which means its only on the international version of the show. I call bullshit.
12:12am- On the genius casting of Idris-
Alex- “She’s sexy but she’s not…sexy. You couldn’t cast someone like Karen Gillian.”
Rachel- “A total knockout. No. It wouldn’t work.”
Alex- “Exactly.”
Rachel- “She’s sexy like bowties are sexy.”
12:32am- After Amy looses Rory in the TARDIS for the umpteenth time-
Celeste-“This time stay together!”
Alex-“Hold hands even!”
Celeste-“You are married! You’re allowed to do that!”
Rachel-(vaguely scandalised)“In public?!”
12:35am- Amy sticks her hand in the ood beard.
Celeste-“There should be some kind of rule about touching oods in their dangley bits. Oh that sounds bad.”
Rachel- “It probably is bad. She just groped an ood.”

THE REBEL FLESH 

12:48am- Rachel is pretty seriously ill. Exhibit A-
Rachel-“This is a pretty good way to spend an evening.”
Alex-“You’re quiet sick.”
Rachel- “This afternoon I had a shower and then I had to have a nap to recover.”
12:50am- Celeste is off doing something. Get bored of waiting.
Alex- “We started without you in the interest of going to bed before dawn.”
12:56am- When Amy works into the room with the flesh-
Rachel- “Family reunion!”
Alex- “I don’t think all the yoghurt is related.”
1:06am- Still conscious. Barely.

THE ALMOST PEOPLE

1:36am- Six down. Two to go. I think Rachel and I are the only ones who are fully conscious and she’s slightly feverish. Like she’s shivering. It’s a bit alarming.
1:40am- The logical part of my brain is telling me to watch the last two in the morning. That part of my brain has lost the argument.
1:49am- Doctor Who makes me a bit of an apathetic bitch. There are people in my house trying to sleep. I’m being a very bad host.
2:00am- Remember you are yoghurt and to yoghurt you shall return.
2:10am- There’s a little part of my brain that switches on at about 2am. Its sole purpose is to yell at me thus- WHY ARE YOU STILL AWAKE ALEX! YOU ARE STILL AWAKE! PLEASE STOP BEING AWAKE IMMEDIATELY!
2:17AM- Down to communicating via small emotive noises. And single sentences.
2:27am- Defeated by my DVR. BRB-passing out.

Basically what happened was this. I thought I had A Good Man Goes to War recorded. It didn’t record. We could have watched it on Celeste’s laptop but it’s password protected and she was pretty unconscious by that stage. So we admitted defeat.

SATURDAY 27TH 

A GOOD MAN GOES TO WAR

3:50pm- At Rachel’s place. Her and I are about to watch the last episode on her laptop.
3:55pm- Rachel still slightly feverish. Me exhausted.
4:01pm- I still believe Doctor Who is the sure for all ills. Having said that Rachel could also do with some serious drugs.
4:05pm- During the battle scene with the Sontaran nurse-
Alex- “Nice bit of gratuitous gravel quarry.”
4:07pm- We decided that Rory going to see River in the Storm Cage must be pretty early in her timeline. Possibly the first time she’s met Rory.
Rachel-“This is so nice. She just wants to tell her father what she did for her birthday.”
4:20pm- Rory hands the baby to Amy-
Rory- “Mrs Williams.”
Rachel- “Mrs Pond.”
Alex- “I wonder what it says on the marriage certificate.”
4:26pm- MATT SMITH MAKES GREAT FACES.
4:31pm- Awkward Doctor sexy talk is awkward.
4:31pm- On Melody Pond-
Alex-“Its such a cute baby. Look at it. Cute.”
Rachel- “It’s a-*voice breaks.* It’s a-*voice breaks.*”
Alex- “Its Amy and Rory’s baby so it has to be cute?”
Rachel- (croakily) “That’s what I was getting at.”
4:45pm- Both of us are so exhausted from the effort of that emotion we need to make a significant nap.

FIN.