Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause



Late last year, while camping, some friends and I spend a pleasant rainy evening composing a list of qualities which ideal males should have.1 This list contained obvious things such as “a sense of humour” and “literacy”2 but it also featured more niche qualities like “able to play a musical instrument” and “super powers”.
The most significant thing about this list3 is that it coined what I now refer to as “The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause”

The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause makes reference to two specific qualities on the list, which are-
- has own space ship
(and)
- not a douche
The interesting thing about these two points is that the former actually has the ability to trump the later.
If a guy is in possession of a space ship, he is able to be a douche and still win ones affections. The level of douche counteracting power a space ship has is in direct proportion to the availability of spaceships in any given situation.

Basically The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause answers that age old question-
Why did Trillian go with Zaphod?
In this situation (a party in Islington) spaceships are extremely rare. A guy who is not a complete douche4 arrives with a very particular trump card (The Heart of Gold).
Of course she went with him.
Fucking spaceship.5

To celebrate the International Day of Chocolate and Over-Priced Roses, here's how Zaphod would go about getting a girl.
And if you’re a nice guy without a space ship- don’t worry. You don’t need a clause to be in with a chance.
Happy Valentine’s peeps.


                            Fictional Pick-up Lines- The Zaphod Beeblebrox Edition


Hold the phone! This is a face in a million! Does perfection have another name?


If I followed you home would you keep me?


When Zarquon made you baby he made a laser beam…and he set you on stun!


I’d grow back my third arm for you. 


Oh baby you make me see stars! How ‘bout I show you some planets?


What’s say we made like alosamarian polar bears and break the ice?


We gotta go, before you have to be back in heaven. 


1- I understand this is a cringe-ish-ly teenage way for four young woman to spend time but it was raining, ok? Like there was a lot of rain. And we were in a tent. 
2- Literacy was embarrassingly far down the list.
3- Which will one day be readily available online somewhere.
4- He really isn't. Zaphod has the ability to be genuinely intelligent and charming. Zaphod is pretty BAMF really.
5- It doesn't hurt that Trillian has something of a soft spot for almost complete douches *coughcoughTHORcough*.

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