The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause

Late last year, while camping, some friends and I spend a pleasant rainy evening composing a list of qualities which ideal males should have.1 This list contained obvious things such as “a sense of humour” and “literacy”2 but it also featured more niche qualities like “able to play a musical instrument” and “super powers”.
The most significant thing about this list3 is that it coined what I now refer to as “The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause”

The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause makes reference to two specific qualities on the list, which are-
- has own space ship
(and)
- not a douche
The interesting thing about these two points is that the former actually has the ability to trump the later.
If a guy is in possession of a space ship, he is able to be a douche and still win ones affections. The level of douche counteracting power a space ship has is in direct proportion to the availability of spaceships in any given situation.

Basically The Zaphod Beeblebrox Clause answers that age old question-
Why did Trillian go with Zaphod?
In this situation (a party in Islington) spaceships are extremely rare. A guy who is not a complete douche4 arrives with a very particular trump card (The Heart of Gold).
Of course she went with him.
Fucking spaceship.5

To celebrate the International Day of Chocolate and Over-Priced Roses, here's how Zaphod would go about getting a girl.
And if you’re a nice guy without a space ship- don’t worry. You don’t need a clause to be in with a chance.
Happy Valentine’s peeps.


                            Fictional Pick-up Lines- The Zaphod Beeblebrox Edition


Hold the phone! This is a face in a million! Does perfection have another name?


If I followed you home would you keep me?


When Zarquon made you baby he made a laser beam…and he set you on stun!


I’d grow back my third arm for you. 


Oh baby you make me see stars! How ‘bout I show you some planets?


What’s say we made like alosamarian polar bears and break the ice?


We gotta go, before you have to be back in heaven. 


1- I understand this is a cringe-ish-ly teenage way for four young woman to spend time but it was raining, ok? Like there was a lot of rain. And we were in a tent. 
2- Literacy was embarrassingly far down the list.
3- Which will one day be readily available online somewhere.
4- He really isn't. Zaphod has the ability to be genuinely intelligent and charming. Zaphod is pretty BAMF really.
5- It doesn't hurt that Trillian has something of a soft spot for almost complete douches *coughcoughTHORcough*.

Come here often?

In which Alex continues to document her growing obsession with pick-up lines from works of fiction. 

Surprise scones.

In a place like this you move to the atmosphere.
Press Gang
Press Gang, as astute readers may have noticed, is so completely littered with wonderful pick-up lines that its basically a ‘how to guide’. It also furnishes fans with a series of slightly ridiculous romantic fantasies. Like the one about playing trivial pursuit. And an irrational desire to slow dancing without music.

Because life is short and you are hot.
Doctor Who- Blink
Seriously, how is it that Steven Moffat does not get all the girls? Unlike many of the other example in these posts, this is a proper pick-up line of the I-went-to-this-pub-and-all-I-got-was-this-random-chick kind. Bonus points if, immediately after delivering it, you get transported into the past by homicidal statues.

Are you a friend of Nigel’s?
48 Shades of Brown
It is a little known fact that if you want to learn more about how my mind works you need only read the collected works of Australian author Nick Earls. This may seem like something of a nothing pick-up line. If, however, you coupled it with spontaneously handing over a Chuppa-Chup, you might just get the opportunity to vomit in my hair (just go read the book ok? Its excellent).

Can I pursue you now?
John Green
This is breaking the rules slightly because it is not, technically speaking, fictional. John Green actually used it to woe the Yeti. If the previous sentence made little or no sense to you I suggest you cancel any plans you had for the rest of the day and click here. John Green should also get all the girls.

Surprise cake.
All the rom-coms.
This isn’t so much a pick-up line as a pick-up action. You know in romantic comedies when one of the romantic leads makes the other romantic lead a romantic cake and then leaves it on their doorstep and runs away? Yeah. Why don’t people do that in real life? I could totally go for that. Its got the words “surprise” and “cake” in it. What’s not to like?

She wants to go out with you for texting and scones.
Doctor Who- The Wedding of River Song
Considering my favourite pick-up line of all time is both difficult to remember and obscure, I would happily settle for this one. This sounds like pretty much my ideal relationship. Anyone who likes texting, scones and Doctor Who has passed most of the main hurdles to my affections already.

Pick me up.*

Asking me to play Trivial Pursuit is almost definitely worth a crack. 

Ah pick-up lines. There’s a lot of them floating around1. Despite various advances in social graces apparently people still use them. Totally ignoring to fact that the best way to pick someone up is almost certainly to go up and say hi and also that I’m probably the last person you should be asking for advice in this department, I have compiled a list. 

Here is a short collection of pick-up lines from texts of note2. If someone tried to use any one of these on me, in the correct situation and using the correct wording (misquoting is obviously a turn-off), it would almost certainly warrant my attention. Not least of which because said person is showing some creativity and a knowledge of obscure popular culture3.

I’m certifiably crazy about you. I’ll be your name I’m muttering when they take away my shoe laces. 

(Press Gang)

Obviously this would be coming on a bit strong right off the cuff but you could probably work it into conversation slightly later in the evening when everyone’s a bit inebriated. 

Get your coat. You’ve pulled. 

(Ashes to Ashes)

I don’t think this would work in every situation but done right- this would work. Yes this would work. 

Hey is this guy boring you? Why don’t you come and talk to me instead? I’m from a different planet. Seriously. Want to see my spaceship?

(Hitchhiker)

Still find it slightly baffling why a lovely and intelligent girl like Trillian chose to run away with someone like Zaphod? He had a spaceship people. A spaceship. Case closed.5 

Let’s go somewhere. Madagascar. I want to go somewhere I’ve never been and I’d like to go with you. 

(Hitchhiker)

Please note that I’d easily be able to do Arthur’s lines from memory if someone initiated this.

Other planets? Want to see some?

(Doctor Who)

This is a pick-up line. I don’t care if Eleven said it to Amy with totally platonic intention IT IS A PICK-UP LINE. 

I’ve saved the best for last. It’s a Press Gang one6. This is arguably the greatest pick up line in existence- 

Hey, can I tell you something. I mean, this might be a bit embarrassing coming from a guy you've just met and everything, but, I really think you should know. Say this was like the olden days, you know, thousands and thousands of years ago...I'd kill a dragon for you. No really, I would. I'd go right out there and I'd kill one. In fact, I'll make you an offer. If you'll go out with me some night this week, I'll make a definite commitment to kill the first dragon that I see. 

Obviously it is now your turn. Favourite fictional pick-up line in the comments. GO!

*I apologise for the title pun. It was irresistible. 

1- For your reference, my favourite non-fictional pick-up line is as follows- Nice shoes. Let’s f*ck. Its got everything- confidence, absurdity and also shoes. 

2- And by “note” I mean “that Alex likes very much.” Obviously. 

3- Or that they read my blog. But that’s far less impressive. 

4- This is not the footnote you're looking for!

5- Ok so ARGUABLY there’s more to it than that. But I don’t think Douglas Adams ever intended us to delve too deeply into the sex lives of his characters. 

6-Another one, I know. To be honest if you studied the actions of Spike Thompson you could probably get me wrapped ‘round your little finger.